Five Things: 1/1/13

Hi kids! I figured I’d try to cram one more “5 Things” in before we close out 2012, so you could end your year laughing at some of the nonsense that pops into my head on a daily basis. Obviously, I figured wrong, so you get to start your New Year that way instead. I’ve been keeping notes on my phone so I’ve got a bunch saved up. Hopefully that means I’ll be a little more prolific in 2013! Anyway, here's the first "5 Things" of 2013!

 

1. Do you think a girl would get offended if she found out that after sex, a guy immediately ran to the bathroom to wash his mouth and dick with peroxide? I bet she would.

 

It can be your friend fellas... I'm just sayin.

 

 

Five Things: 10/12/12

Well kids, its Friday and that means its time for another Five Things. Yes that's right, I'm going to attempt to do this weekly. One man's "ambitious" is another's "delusional."
 

1. So I've decided that when I'm walking down a city sidewalk from now on, I'm not moving out of the way for anyone anymore. Now, that by itself might sound dickish so let me explain, because maybe some of you have noticed this phenomenon, or even better can offer an explanation to me. For some unfathomable reason, it seems like every time I'm walking down the street and someone is coming straight toward me, my instinct, being the naturally polite and awesome person that I am, is to veer to the side to go past them and allow them to continue on their way unimpeded. So how come whenever I do this, the person walking towards me starts to veer in the exact same direction? And then, when I increase my walking speed to get around them, THEY DO TOO! What the fuck? I mean, I know in addition to being polite and awesome I'm also monumentally attractive, but I didn't think that extended into the literal! So there we are, getting ever closer to one another, like two asymptotic lines, only instead of mathematical impossibility being the only thing keeping us from colliding, it's me doing an awkward, last minute, dickhead dance to get out of the way. Like an asshole. So from now on, I only walk in straight lines and I'll leave the getting out of my way to everyone else. Which now that I think about it is only fitting anyway. Stand aside! Stand aside for your betters!

 

Fuck outta my way! Important guy comin through!

Internet Memes and Human Stupidity: The Aubrey Edition

Ok, so after my last attack on the brainlessness that plagues Facebook walls and Twitter feeds on a daily basis got so much acclaim (not that you'd know from the comments section here, but it was a hit in my house), I decided to do it again. And by decided I mean Liz suggested another enraging thing that people do that needs to stop. Read that again. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT MUST STOP. Now in the last article, I made reference to idiots who keep misquoting or falsely attributing semi-inspirational quotes to Marilyn Monroe or Ghandi. Actually, they're not even always semi-inspirational, sometimes the quotes are used because the people doing the quoting think the words of a celebrity excuse their monumentally dickish behavior. And in the past few years, there is no one who indirectly gets credit for more dickish behavior than Drake.

 

 

Internet Memes and Human Stupidity

I've got a real love-hate thing going with all the memes going around the Internet that we see on a daily basis. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, wikipedia defines meme as "an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture". Internet memes are ideas and behaviors that (obviously) spread around the internet, usually through social media. Sometimes it seems like Facebook and Twitter exist solely to perpetuate the spread of these things... That stupid dancing baby; the Nigerian money scam; Lolcatz; "Who's Responsible This?"; Condecending Wonka. All of these things are internet memes that you may or may not know, but that have been spread like wildfire across web pretty much since the mid 90's when  people started making webpages with their Angelfire accounts. The best internet memes are funny. The worst ones are spread by people who THINK they're funny. This is where my love-hate relationship comes in.

 

The Other Side of a Heartbreak

Could It Be I'm Not As Wonderful As I Think I Am? Nah. Guilt is overrated. So is humility for that matter. Let's compare resumes and accomplishments (and looks, and intelligence, and personality, and abdominal muscles), and then we'll see who's right. Me, that's who! That's how I feel generally. After all, I'm awesome; I know I'm awesome; and I have no problem telling you, YOU should know I'm awesome too. In general, I carry myself with an unassailable sense of self confidence and righteousness. I've found that when you project that attitude, people pay attention. Think about it; nobody wants to listen to a mushy little "woe-is-me" crybaby (as anyone who spoke to me last April through Septemberish will happily tell you). After all, if I don't think I'm great, why should I expect you to? Now I don't mean out-and-out cockiness. It's not about telling people you're better than everyone else, no one wants to hear that shit (even when, as in my case, it's usually true). What I'm talking about is knowing, and believing, exactly how good YOU are.

Now all that stuff is easy to say, but making yourself believe it is something else. Especially when, back when you were in high school, you had the confidence and self esteem of that gross water that sometimes leaks out of a garbage bag. For the most part I've done a pretty good job of living this mindset. But I don't care how confident you are, how much swagger you have, be it natural and inborn, or practiced, one thing that can absolutely shatter the ego is a heartbreak (just ask mushy little crybaby "woe-is'me" Joey circa April-Septemberish 2011).

Five Things: 7/1/12

Hey kids, I thought I'd throw another "Five Things" your way. If you're new here, this is where I share with you five of the random, silly, funny, weird or downright demented thoughts that creep into my brain on a daily basis.  So, without further ado, hit that jump and we're off!

Permanent Damage

Sorry about the rare serious nature of today's blog but after what went down this morning, I need to get this off my chest and be done with it. Of course I'm talking about the Supreme Court's 5-4 decision to uphold Obamacare as Constitutional. Now depending on which fictitious side of the political aisle you more closely align yourself with, you might be thinking that's a good thing. However if you comprehend the majority's reasoning on upholding this law, and you still think that,  I unabashedly and unapologetically call you a fool, uninformed, unintelligent, a moron, or perhaps all of the above. Oh and just as an aside, I say "fictitious" because if you think there is any significant difference between a Democrat or a Republican being in power, I also unabashedly and unapologetically call you a fool, uninformed, unintelligent, a moron, or perhaps all of the above.

Continued after the jump...