Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Useless Twitters

There’s a disturbing trend I’ve noticed lately, and what distresses me the most about it is I know this one is only going to get worse as time goes on. I’m talking about the proliferation of useless Twitter/Facebook accounts. Out of nowhere, It seems like every corporation, celebrity, random asshole and their mother now has a Twitter or Facebook account, or both, and it’s really starting to get out of hand. Now, I guess it sort of makes sense with Facebook for every random asshole and their mother to have one, since that’s kind of what Facebook is for... which now that I think about it might actually be the root cause of this problem. What I’m mainly complaining about is that there are now tons of corporate entities out there with Twitter and Facebook accounts that really just have no reason to have one. And they're spreading like bloody sores on an AIDS patient. I know the reason they’re doing it is just another misguided attempt to appear “hip” and “with it”... you know, so they can relate to all those random assholes and their moms. ("Look, we’re just like you… now buy our shitty products!"). But knowing that doesn't make it any less annoying.

Look, I’ll admit it; I don’t really “get” Twitter. I don’t know, or care, what the fuck a hashtag is and I have no idea what it means when something is trending. Don’t get me wrong, I have a Twitter account for some reason, but I really never got into it. I mean, if I want to tell everyone what I’m doing or thinking right now, or if I want to share a picture of something, I’ll just update my Facebook status or do a mobile upload and you can read about it on my Wall, like a normal human being.

My idea of hashtags

I don’t want to start up a whole internet war or anything, but unquestionably, Facebook > Twitter... if for no other reason than that unlike Twitter, Facebook allows for the uploading of tons and tons of pictures of me, which automatically makes it far superior. But I digress; today’s topic is mind-bogglingly useless Twitter accounts, and that’s what you’re gonna get. 5 of ‘em, anyway.

1. Boars Head. Number of Followers: 265. Last Tweet (ugggggh wait... “Tweet”? No, fuck you Twitter I’m not using that fruity word. I’m going to call them Twatters. Because I can): “Children's Author Tina Powell, teams up with Boar's Head for a book signing tour”: Sounds fucking thrilling. Here kids have some ham and get your book signed! Yes, Boars Head has a Twitter account. Yes, the cold cuts guys. Boars Head’s website says you should follow them on Twitter so they can share recipes. Hey assholes, YOU SELL COLD CUTS. The recipe goes like this: Bread, Meat, Cheese, Condiment, lettuce and tomato (maybe), and bacon. If you need a recipe to make a fucking sandwich, you should have your hands removed, because you don’t deserve them.

2. UPS. Number of followers: 3,645. Last Twatter: “UPS Board Declares Dividend”. Ooh, Exciting! Holy canary shit, Batman, what a borefest. But seriously, what the fuck could UPS possibly have to say that it needs to use a Twitter account as a forum to do so? “We’ve gone 23 whole minutes without damaging someone's package... 7 if cum stains count as damage” ? “Federal Express eats a bag of dicks”? The only way I can possibly imagine UPS having 3,645 followers is if the company requires all its employees with a Twitter account to follow.

3. Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart actually has 6 different Twitter accounts associated with it, one more useless than the other. They are described as follows on the Wal-Mart website: Wal-Mart Specials - Keep up-to-date on specials available for a limited time or while supplies last; Wal-Mart Beauty - Get deals, specials and trends and discuss all things beauty with the beauty fanatics at Wal-Mart; Wal-Mart CAN - Join us at Wal-Mart CAN, and help us better the communities Wal-Mart serves; Wal-Mart Kevin - Get news and information about Wal-Mart from an associate's perspective; Wal-Mart Kelly - Get up to date media stories about Wal-Mart from an associate's perspective; and Wal-Mart MP3 - Discover and discuss top MP3s at low prices, compatible with iPod? and other MP3 players.

Ok, first of all, Wal-Mart Specials... Umm, hey Wal-Mart remember how I mentioned I got all of the above info from your website? Yeah well, all the “Value of the Day” specials you Twatter about are already on there. Who the fuck needs real-time, 160-character-limit updates about whatever crap you’re overstocked with and desperately need to push? And why am I talking to a store? Ok moving on...

Wal-Mart Beauty... Right. Because when I think of beauty, Wal-Mart shoppers are the first things that pop into my head. And what kind of trash learns about beauty trends from Wal-Mart? Girls, just for the record, its Sephora or better. I'm serious bitches... if I find out you’re buying makeup and getting beauty tips at Wal-Mart, there’s the curb, feel free to wait on it.

"The Beauty Fanatics at Wal-Mart"

Wal-Mart CAN! Yeah? Can it? I have some questions; why do they feel the need to shout the word “can”? Are they trying to overcompensate for the fact that they’re a soulless horror of a corporation? Do they really, really want people to think they’re making some kind of difference? And “can” what? Put hard working neighborhood mom & pop stores out of business in droves? Hire the dregs of society and put them in positions to be the least helpful to customers? Yeah, you know what, Wal-Mart CAN... suck my dick, balls and asshole.

Wal-Mart Kevin & Kelly. Notice the alliteration in the names? First off, there’s no way these two people actually exist. There’s definitely a team of 12-18 corporate shitdicks writing all the material for these two. Second, since when does ANYONE want to know ANYTHING from the perspective of a retail sales associate? It’s a boring, soul-crushing job that, if stayed in for too long will rob you of your will to live, your imagination, libido, the ability and desire to create, and leave you a broken shell of a human being. And it certainly isn’t exclusive enough for Wal-Mart to presume that people would want not one but two sets of updates from the perspective of someone with a job absolutely anyone could get. Right now if they wanted to.

Like this asshole

And finally, Wal-Mart MP3. Umm, Ok, I know there are some weirdos out there who actually pretend MP3’s aren't free, like rain water or any food you finish before leaving the supermarket. They go to Itunes, you fucktards. For the rest of us its called Torrents and converting Youtube videos. Ohhhhh, wait. Unless you're some kind of sociopath who wants the censored, family-friendly, sanitized versions of your favorite songs, then I guess its Wallmart MP3 all the way. So let me see if I understand this from Wal-Mart's point of view... curse words, violence and sexual innuendo in music, not ok. But selling guns over the counter and out-competing small local businesses into bankruptcy, that's just fine? Yeah, keep attempting to force your hypocritical morality on people. We're all buying it.

Oh and thanks for having 6 fucking accounts and ruining the “# of followers”, “Last Twatter” format I had going there. I never realized it, but I think I fucking despise Wal-Mart. Ok, on with the list...

4. Channing Tatum. # of followers: 235,047. Wait... 235,047???!! Really?? THAT many people care what this douchebag is doing on daily basis? I live on the same planet as THAT many people that care about what this fucking asshole has to say?? There’s THAT many people that looked at a movie screen and saw this talentless piece of whale excrement with the douchiest name in the world ruining whatever movie it was and thought, oh yeah I gotta know what HE’s thinking about? Oh holy shit I’m angry.

5. Me. I told you before I don’t really use this thing, or get it. Why do I even have one?

Ok fine, so #5 was a cop out. To tell the truth after the Wal-mart rant, it all gets a little redundant. Target, Home Depot, local cab services, individual Dunkin Donuts franchises, airports (not just airlines, airports!), restaurants, a bunch of uninteresting celebrities, pretty much every news and talk show on TV… I don’t need or want to read 160 characters worth of anything these things have to say, and neither should any of you.