Friday, October 12, 2012

Five Things: 10/12/12

Well kids, its Friday and that means its time for another Five Things. Yes that's right, I'm going to attempt to do this weekly. One man's "ambitious" is another's "delusional."
1. So I've decided that when I'm walking down a city sidewalk from now on, I'm not moving out of the way for anyone anymore. Now, that by itself might sound dickish so let me explain, because maybe some of you have noticed this phenomenon, or even better can offer an explanation to me. For some unfathomable reason, it seems like every time I'm walking down the street and someone is coming straight toward me, my instinct, being the naturally polite and awesome person that I am, is to veer to the side to go past them and allow them to continue on their way unimpeded. So how come whenever I do this, the person walking towards me starts to veer in the exact same direction? And then, when I increase my walking speed to get around them, THEY DO TOO! What the fuck? I mean, I know in addition to being polite and awesome I'm also monumentally attractive, but I didn't think that extended into the literal! So there we are, getting ever closer to one another, like two asymptotic lines, only instead of mathematical impossibility being the only thing keeping us from colliding, it's me doing an awkward, last minute, dickhead dance to get out of the way. Like an asshole. So from now on, I only walk in straight lines and I'll leave the getting out of my way to everyone else. Which now that I think about it is only fitting anyway. Stand aside! Stand aside for your betters!
Fuck outta my way! Important guy comin through!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Internet Memes and Human Stupidity: The Aubrey Edition

Ok, so after my last attack on the brainlessness that plagues Facebook walls and Twitter feeds on a daily basis got so much acclaim (not that you'd know from the comments section here, but it was a hit in my house), I decided to do it again. And by decided I mean Liz suggested another enraging thing that people do that needs to stop. Read that again. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT MUST STOP. Now in the last article, I made reference to idiots who keep misquoting or falsely attributing semi-inspirational quotes to Marilyn Monroe or Ghandi. Actually, they're not even always semi-inspirational, sometimes the quotes are used because the people doing the quoting think the words of a celebrity excuse their monumentally dickish behavior. And in the past few years, there is no one who indirectly gets credit for more dickish behavior than Drake.