Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Either way, because of the way I feel about other geeks, I tend not to commiserate with them much (I used to make the wrestlers at the Video Game Central signings laugh when I would tell them that the people on the line to meet them were the reason I don't talk to people I haven't known for a REALLY long time about wrestling... they would laugh, and agree so I have to believe I was on to something). Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is I find the concept of a gathering of tens of thousands geeks, a large portion of them in costumes, to be several hundred shades of horrifying. So obviously, the idea of paying forty bucks for a ticket to attend such a gathering is completely fucking insane to me. Not even for people-watching purposes. If I haven't made myself clear yet, overly geeky people make me annoyed and angry. Make no mistake though, I love Star Wars and comic books and video games. I read fantasy novels, I played Dunegons & Dragons when I was younger and probably still would if I had that kind of free time. So on some level the stuff that was going to be on display at Comic Con intrigued me enough to apply for a press pass. When I was (much to my surprise) approved, I decided to make like a Jedi and let go of my hate... enough that I decided to attend anyway. To put it another way, I guess I sold my hatred of other geeks for a free ticket to show.
And I'm honestly glad I did, because despite the overwhelming concentration of nerds, geeks, and just flat out tools, Comic Con was really awesome. Here's how the day went:
8:00am: My alarm goes off and I realize that I'm way too fucking tired to get up, having only gotten in from Glo at about 5:30am. I also realized that having a press pass is sort of like being VIP at a club, which means lines don't apply to you and you can show up whenever. So I reset my alarm for 9:00am and slipped back into unconsciousness.
9:00am: I awoke again, this time a little more prepared to face the world. I took a quick shower, did my hair threw on my Princess Leia T-shirt (its not geeky, Mark Ecko makes it... expensive designer clothes cancel out the geekiness) and by 9:30am I was on my way. My first stop was the Lindenwood Shopping Center. Grabbed some iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts and then stopped at the Tuscany Deli for a Muscle Milk and bagel with cream cheese. Incidentally, this is the exact same routine I went through all summer before heading to Neptunes. Which means I prepare for a comic book convention the same way I prepare to spend a day getting trashed in the sun on a deck listening to house music. I'm not sure what that means. Next I hopped on the A train and headed toward the city.
10:45am: I arrived in the city and instantly had bar exam flashbacks as I walked up 11th Avenue to the Javits Center. Actually, that's not true, it wasn't instantly. I didn't mistakenly walk six blocks in the wrong direction before taking the bar, like I did this time. But once I realized the numbers should be goin down, not up, and started walking south, there it was, boom, bar exam all over again.
11:00am: I got to the Convention, grabbed my press pass, hooked up with Mike D., Sam, Jeff, Brianna and Kristen and lost myself in a world of pure geek. All the major comic companies were there andhundreds of minor ones and self published ones as well. Famous artists and writers (in the comic book world, anyway) were holding court at their tables, signing autographs and answering questions. The whole place was full of ueberfans and uebergeeks - i.e. people willing to leave their houses in costumes of varying quality. Me and Mike D discussed this phenomenon and I hope I can use my blog as a forum to pass this along. Now I'm not a "dress up" kinda guy, and neither is Mike. The only day you're gonna catch me in a costume is Halloween. But, if you're gonna be one of these cosplay weirdos; if you're gonna come to Comic Con dressed as Spider-Man or Wolverine or whoever, come correct. Don't half-ass it, otherwise you just look like a tool... or more accurately, you look like the tool who doesn't know he looks like a tool. I assure you, everyone else knows.
Comic con isn't just about comics anymore. Video games, movies, toys, and book publishers were all well-represented. One of those companies, Tor books, was a big factor in my decision to actually attend, but more on that later. Me, Mike, Sam and Kristen wandered the floor for awhile taking in the sights. At one point we looked up at the skyboxes and saw none other than Danny McBride standing in the MTV interview booth. Mike D wasted no time in ducking us into a stairwell. Next thing I know, we're up in the private interview area looking down on the convention floor. We missed Danny McBride somehow, but it was still pretty cool.
12:30pm: (ish...) Mike, Sam and Kristen headed to the Saw panel and I met up with Glenn near a man dressed like a gay Lion-O (actually he may have been a regular Lion-O and its just that Lion-O's outfit is gay in and of itself, I can't be sure). Me and Glenn continued to roam the floor for a few hours, and grabbed some surprisingly not awful sandwiches. All this was just me killing time though. The event I was really waiting for, the the tiny, silly, GEEKY little thing that actually tipped the scales in favor of me actually cming to Comic Con was...
3:00pm: Tor Books table, Brandon Sanderson signing. If you don't know, and I doubt most of you do, Brandon Sanderson is a fantasy author. Tor publishes a series of absolutely phenomenal fantasy novels called the Wheel of Time., which is my absolute favorite work of fiction in any medium, and I've reread the series something like 10 times since I picked up the first book back in 1997. The first book, The Eye of the World, was originally published in 1991 and the series has been going strong since then. Tragically, the author and creator, Robert Jordan died of a rare blood disease called amyloidosis in 2007 (as an aside, if I'm wrong and there IS a higher power, and everything in this world is all part of some divine plan, well... how can I put this... god is a dickhead. I'm sorry, but giving a wildly popular author a rare blood disease after millions of fans world wide are waiting for over 15 years for him to finish his story is just a dickhead thing to do). Anyway, Sanderson was chosen by Jordan's wife and editor to finish up the series. Turns out Sanderson is an excellent writer too, and I really didn't want to pass up the opportunity to ask him a few questions about writing (and get some stuff signed). He gave me some pretty in-depth answers to my questions and I left more inspired than ever to finally get my own story written.
3:30pm: Me and Glenn walked back to the train station and I headed home for some much needed sleep.
All in all, I have to say Comic Con was an awesome experience, and I'm glad I went. I think I've learned that being a geek, in small doses is not a bad thing. I apoligize if you read this thinking I was going to give you an in-depth review of the convention itself. This blog, like all good things, is all about me. However, if you want to know more about the convention itself, you're not outta luck. You can go HERE and check out the excellent job Mike D and the CCD crew did with their coverage.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
1. The other day I woke up to the song "Everybody Sleeps" from Sesame Street. Not on my alarm clock (that would be a pretty weird thing for an alarm clock to play), but in my head. You'd think having an audiographic memory would be a beneficial thing, and I guess it is sometimes, but the downside is having songs from a kid's show that I haven't heard in a good twenty-five years randomly popping into my head. And still knowing all the words.
2. I got the notice for my 15 year high school reunion in the mail, which I assume is someone's idea of a joke because there's no way I graduated from high school 15 years ago. It was like 8 or 9, tops.
3. Speaking of feeling really fucking old, for the kids who just entered high school this year, the country of Czechoslovakia has never existed during their life time. I don't know why but that just blows my fucking mind.
4. I put the inflatable pool away yesterday. Sorry girls, that means Baby Oil Wrestling season is officially over. I will be taking video resumes for next year's contenders starting tomorrow. Get yours in early, these slots don't stay open for long.
5. I need everyone's opinion on something... Some of you might know from my constant complaining about it on facebook, that my block is overrun with children under the age of ten, none of whom seem to have been taught the very simple lesson of looking both ways before they cross the street, or the even simpler lesson of getting the fuck out of the way of a moving vehicle when its coming directly toward them. Now I'm not 100% sure if my block is just populated with people who possess no survival instincts whatsoever, or if they're all just frighteningly stupid, or whatever other explanation there could be. It doesn't really matter. These kids not only don't move, but the other day one stood in front of me and spread his hands like "come and get me". So naturally I accelerated and made him jump outta the way (No, I'm not joking and no, that doesn't make me a monster. The brakes on the beemer are ridiculous, he was in no real danger). When I got out of the car I told him that the only reason I didn't hit him is because I didn't want to have to clean blood off my brand new car. Then I called him an asshole. Yes, I called a 10 year old an asshole. Maybe I am a monster. Whatever, what I really want is a solution to this nonsense, because I'd like to avoid having a lifetime of waking nightmares because I killed some moron's moron kid. Unfortunately, so far all I seem to be able to come up with is threatening to beat the living shit out of the parents until they learn to teach their children to stay the fuck outta my way. I think its a fair trade... your kid runs in front of my car, I get to knock out a few teeth. Anyway, if anyone has a more "socially acceptable" (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ) suggestion I'm all ears.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
So in an attempt to make my blogging more than a semi-annual event, and give you all something closer to a weekly dosage of the brilliance that is Joey (admit it, you've all been clamoring for it), I've come up with an idea called "Five Things". The concept behind Five Things is basically a combination of five random thoughts, ideas or short stories; stuff that just pops into my head or quick anecdotes I feel the need to share. This will enable me to post a lot more often without getting as in depth as some of my previous posts (and feeling the need to edit the shit out of what I write like some kind of psychopath perfectionist). I'll still do some of that too (because lets face it, I'm a psychopath perfectionist), but for now the blog is going in a shorter/more often direction for awhile.
Lets see where it takes us...
FIVE THINGS - SEPTEMBER 21, 2010
1. I would like to congratulate TruTV in general and the Rehab show in particular. You geniuses have figured out a way to break me of my narcissistic, self-centered attitudes by putting out a "reality" show that is so obviously scripted, so poorly acted and so just out-and-out bad, that the prospect of seeing myself for a few seconds on your dumb show is no longer enough to get me to watch it. It used to be, it really did. TruTV's motto is "Not Reality... Actuality". Let's explore that for a second.This sentence makes no sense, and I suspect that the marketing douche that came up with it doesn't actually know what any of those words mean. The first half, "Not reality". Ok that part of the sentence I have no problem with because nothing on the network is reality, its all scripted. The second half kinda fucks with me though. The definition of "actuality" is "the quality of state of being actual". Actual means real. So their dumb slogan translates into "Not reality, real". Do they mean real as in this fake show takes place on the same plane of existence as the rest of us? I don't get it, and it makes me angry.
2. Grabbing a girl by the throat, getting real close to her face and screaming "I wanna cum in your neck hair" is NOT an effective method for picking up chicks. Trust me on this one.
3. Back in April everyone loved when I put some Facebook Fakes On Blast! . So of course right after that I immediately stopped getting friend requests from potential fakes and the ones I knew about weren't responding to my attempts to goad them into comedy. Either the universe is continuing its ongoing campaign to spite me in any way possible, or the fakes are actually people I know and they read the blog. Either way, I have this little gem for you. I don't know if she's fake or not, but I had some fun:
Between You and Michelle Clarke
Hi sexy.. Wanna fuck me? x LOL
Sent via Facebook Mobile .
Sent via Facebook Mobile
Because beastiality is against my religion.
No, no, wait, I'm kidding. I don't have a religion. It's actually because I'm afraid I'd fuck you too hard and your cancer wig would fall off.
No, no, wait, I'm kidding again. It's really because your profile says your from Germany, I've heard what your porn is like and I've already taken a shit today.
She hasn't responded yet. Hopefully she will tomorrow and we'll have a sequel.
4. I don't understand the hate The Situation gets. Then again, I have an interest in guineas with abs getting rich and famous for no good reason, so I might be biased.
5. There's a Facebook group going around called "If you loved/knew Eminem before "not afraid" or "love the way you lie". Umm... is Eminem really getting bandwagon fans from the singles off the new album? If I may address whoever started this for a moment, Eminem was kinda popular before the Recovery album. He wasn't exactly an underground sensation that only you and three friends knew about you fucking cockstick. I would have thought the multiple Grammys and the fucking OSCAR he won might have been a clue. But that's just me. Whatever. I "liked" the group anyway though. Nobody hates a bandwagon jumper more than me.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
“Ok, so what’s the big deal?” you might be asking. “Even though it was headlined by two of the biggest and best to ever rock the mic, it was still just another hip-hop concert at the end of the day right?” YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN IDIOT MOUTH! Oops, sorry. I mean, no you’re wrong, it was so much more than that. To begin with, the idea of a hip-hop concert even being at Yankee Stadium is incredible. Jay said that it would have been unimaginable just ten years ago, and I have to agree with that. Yankee Stadium, even more so than Madison Square Garden, is the pinnacle of entertainment venues; having your show there automatically takes you from “concert” to “Event”. That capital E is not a mistake. If you don’t get it, it’s a perfect, almost poetic statement of just how far hip-hop has come. Any questions about the genre’s legitimacy, about its place in pop culture, and in music culture, and in our culture in general should be put to rest once and for all. The fact that the show was headlined by a guy who grew up poor in the Marcy Houses, about 12 miles south of the Stadium only adds to the poetry.
Speaking of whom, to say Jay and Em both killed it would be a gross understatement. One of my biggest gripes about live music in general and usually live hip-hop in particular, is that the song performed live sounds nothing like it does on the album. There’s the old cliché about rap concerts being nothing more than a bunch of dudes jumping around screaming on stage. Nothing could be further from the truth for either Jay or Em, even when the stage did get a little crowded. Jay performed most of his songs perfectly, without even using a hype man in fact. Em had Denaun (a.k.a. Kon Artis of D12) hyping him, which was fine... most rappers can’t keep their breath as well as Jay-Z can (they don’t call him “One Take Hov” for no reason). What I’m trying to say is, even sitting several hundred feet away from the stage like we were, every song sounded great.
With all that said, what struck me the most about this show, aside from the historical impact and what it means for hip-hop in general, is the fact that Jay-Z and Eminem, probably more than any other artists, were a big part of the soundtrack of the past ten to twelve years, which for me means my twenties (and a little bit of my extra-twenties). As they both went through their respective sets, I was taking a journey back in time. Anyone who knows me knows I didn’t really start living a fun and interesting life until around 1999 or so; which pretty much coincides with Eminem’s debut and Jay-Z really catching fire (right around the time Hot97 had that stinger that joked “BLAZING HIP-HOP and JAY-Z). So while Em and Jay were rocking the mic on stage I found myself back in the stockroom at GAP, and partying my way through law school, and at Ruby’s in Bay Ridge getting my first real taste of nightlife with closest friends and reliving a thousand other fond (and some not so fond) memories. While I was there I said it was sublime, but I’m not even sure that’s the right word. I can’t really find the right word in fact, but I do know that at a few points I found myself getting choked up at the emotional impact. Thankfully, after talking to a few other people, I found out I wasn’t the only one being a homo that night, because the experience wasn’t unique to me.
The show was opened by B.O.B and he did a fine job getting the crowd warmed up. Eminem took the stage a little while later, with an energy and enthusiasm that was absolutely contagious. Him and Kon Artis got the crowd hyped up right away and they didn’t let things settle down until they left the stage. Em did a bunch of solo songs (“Won’t Back Down”, “3am”, “Square Dance”, “W.T.P.”, “Kill You”, “No Love” “So Bad”, “Cleanin’ Out My Closet” and “The Way I Am”), then brought out D-12 they did “Fight Music” and “Purple Pills” , which Em interrupted because he wanted to do “My Band” instead (if you know the song you get the joke). At some point Bizarre ended up with his shirt off. Then Em got serious and and dedicated the night to the real lead singer of D12, Proof. D12 cleared the stage and Em brought out B.O.B. to do “Airplanes” with him. Em did a few more solo songs (“Stan”, “Sing For The Moment”, “Toy Soldiers” and “Forever”), and then brought out 50 Cent, Lloyd Banks and Tony Yayo (complete with glow in the dark Gucci outfits - Yayo’s was camouflage). They did “Patiently Waiting” together then Em gave the stage to G-Unit for “I Get Money”, “Beamer, Benz or Bentley” and “In the Club”. G-Unit cleared out and Em came back and did “Til I Collapse” and “Cinderella Man”. Em then slowed things down and dedicated “Love The Way You Lie” to the ladies. Then he turned it around and dedicated a song to the guys. I hoped it would be “Superman” but for some reason it was “My Name Is”. Next, out came Dr. Dre. They did “The Next Episode”, “Still D.R.E.” and “Nothin’ But A G Thang” and then Dre departed the stage but not before promising that “Detox” was still coming. Not for nothing Doc, but you’ve been saying that for eleven years. Nobody believes you. Em then closed the show with “Crack a Bottle”, “The Real Slim Shady”, “Without Me” and “Not Afraid”. Em thanked the audience and said goodbye but the lights stayed down so I knew he’d be back. Sure enough, he did “Lose Yourself” as the encore and his half of the show came to an end. I sat there thinking that if the show were to end right then and there, I could go home happy. Em’s energy level was incredible, and the sincerity and humility he was feeling was obvious as he thanked the crowd for giving him the chance to do this. It might sound silly, but it was moving. Em performed thirty-three songs and I sang, or screamed, along with all of them. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was until it was over… and then the countdown clock for Jay-Z started.
Jay took the stage speaking the words to the intro to the Dynasty album (“The theme song to The Sopranos plays in the key of life on my, mental piano…”). Kanye West joined Jay on the stage and they launched right into “Run This Town” and “Power”. Nicki Minaj came out next to do “Monster” with Jay and ‘Ye, and then Kanye did “Can’t Tell Me Nothin” and “The Good Life”. Then Swizz Beatz came out to do “On to the Next One” with Jay, which lead to Jay doing “D.O.A., “Lucifer” and “Free Mason” by himself and then “Renegade” with Eminem, which was one of the highlights of a night full of highlights. From there Jay launched into an extended solo set (“Take Over”, “You Don’t Know”, “99 Problems”, “Jigga What”, “Big Pimpin”, and “Hard Knock Life”). Next Jay took a moment to remind us that the anniversary of Tupac’s death just passed, which of course lead to a tribute to Biggie. Jay rapped “One More Chance” and then just said fuck it and asked the crowd to sing along to “Juicy”. Then Jay rapped the lyrics to “A Dream” (which is one of Jay’s most poetic songs, in which he recounts a dream he had where Biggie spoke to him – it’s also one of my favorite Jay-Z songs). Then Jay did “Public Service Announcement” before bringing out none other than Mary J. Blige. Monday night got the dude from Coldplay, we got Mary J. We won. Mary sang the chorus to “Ain’t No Love” while Jay rapped bthe lyrics, and then Jay gave Mary the stage to take us “way back”. I really was hoping for “Real Love” but we got “I’m Goin Down” instead, which was ok because Mary killed it. Next Jay introduced Drake and Nicki Minaj came back out to do “Up All Night” with him. Then Jay did “Light Up” with Drake. Next Beyonce came out, looking stunning and sounding amazing, to sing the chorus to “Young Forever”. After that it was Jay solo again to do “Already Home”, “Empire State of Mind”, “Thank You”, “Jigga That Nigga”, “Izzo”, “Best of Me”, “You, Me, Him, and Her”, “Where I’m From” and “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” before closing with “I Just Wanna Love You”.
By the end of the show I was drained. Euphoric, but drained. Witnessing history and knowing it can be a tiring experience. Singing along at the top of your lungs the entire time is downright exhausting. At one point during the night, while he was talking about the historical significance of the night, Jay-Z introduced DJ Kool Herc who, if you don’t know, is one of the pioneers of hip-hop from the late 70’s… he practically invented break beat DJing. If you want more of a history lesson google him, I’m too fuckin tired to explain how legendary he is. Jay told a story which sounded like bullshit about running into Kool Herc outside Yankee stadium and insisting he attend the show. Well maybe it wasn’t, because after we walked to the car and grabbed some drinks from a bodega, we saw Kool Herc walking home.
The night really was surreal, and a hip-hop lover’s dream. Because this is Perpetual Dissatisfaction and all this down-home nice boy shit makes me uncomfortable, I do have a few complaints. Well not really, but there’s a list of a hundred songs I wish they’d done, especially given the guest stars in attendance. No “’03 Bonnie and Clyde”? No “Watch Me” with Dr. Dre? No “Reasonable Doubt” with Mary? Really? I guess it’s a testament to what excellent showmen both guys are that they gave so much and still left me wanting more. I wanted to say something real controversial like if you missed this show you’re not a real hip-hop fan, but honestly the tickets weren’t cheap and they went quick, so I can’t say that honestly. I can say you missed something special though. You can bet that, if given another opportunity to see either of these guys live, I’ll definitely be in the audience.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Look, I’ll admit it; I don’t really “get” Twitter. I don’t know, or care, what the fuck a hashtag is and I have no idea what it means when something is trending. Don’t get me wrong, I have a Twitter account for some reason, but I really never got into it. I mean, if I want to tell everyone what I’m doing or thinking right now, or if I want to share a picture of something, I’ll just update my Facebook status or do a mobile upload and you can read about it on my Wall, like a normal human being.
My idea of hashtags
I don’t want to start up a whole internet war or anything, but unquestionably, Facebook > Twitter... if for no other reason than that unlike Twitter, Facebook allows for the uploading of tons and tons of pictures of me, which automatically makes it far superior. But I digress; today’s topic is mind-bogglingly useless Twitter accounts, and that’s what you’re gonna get. 5 of ‘em, anyway.
1. Boars Head. Number of Followers: 265. Last Tweet (ugggggh wait... “Tweet”? No, fuck you Twitter I’m not using that fruity word. I’m going to call them Twatters. Because I can): “Children's Author Tina Powell, teams up with Boar's Head for a book signing tour”: Sounds fucking thrilling. Here kids have some ham and get your book signed! Yes, Boars Head has a Twitter account. Yes, the cold cuts guys. Boars Head’s website says you should follow them on Twitter so they can share recipes. Hey assholes, YOU SELL COLD CUTS. The recipe goes like this: Bread, Meat, Cheese, Condiment, lettuce and tomato (maybe), and bacon. If you need a recipe to make a fucking sandwich, you should have your hands removed, because you don’t deserve them.
2. UPS. Number of followers: 3,645. Last Twatter: “UPS Board Declares Dividend”. Ooh, Exciting! Holy canary shit, Batman, what a borefest. But seriously, what the fuck could UPS possibly have to say that it needs to use a Twitter account as a forum to do so? “We’ve gone 23 whole minutes without damaging someone's package... 7 if cum stains count as damage” ? “Federal Express eats a bag of dicks”? The only way I can possibly imagine UPS having 3,645 followers is if the company requires all its employees with a Twitter account to follow.
3. Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart actually has 6 different Twitter accounts associated with it, one more useless than the other. They are described as follows on the Wal-Mart website: Wal-Mart Specials - Keep up-to-date on specials available for a limited time or while supplies last; Wal-Mart Beauty - Get deals, specials and trends and discuss all things beauty with the beauty fanatics at Wal-Mart; Wal-Mart CAN - Join us at Wal-Mart CAN, and help us better the communities Wal-Mart serves; Wal-Mart Kevin - Get news and information about Wal-Mart from an associate's perspective; Wal-Mart Kelly - Get up to date media stories about Wal-Mart from an associate's perspective; and Wal-Mart MP3 - Discover and discuss top MP3s at low prices, compatible with iPod? and other MP3 players.
Ok, first of all, Wal-Mart Specials... Umm, hey Wal-Mart remember how I mentioned I got all of the above info from your website? Yeah well, all the “Value of the Day” specials you Twatter about are already on there. Who the fuck needs real-time, 160-character-limit updates about whatever crap you’re overstocked with and desperately need to push? And why am I talking to a store? Ok moving on...
Wal-Mart Beauty... Right. Because when I think of beauty, Wal-Mart shoppers are the first things that pop into my head. And what kind of trash learns about beauty trends from Wal-Mart? Girls, just for the record, its Sephora or better. I'm serious bitches... if I find out you’re buying makeup and getting beauty tips at Wal-Mart, there’s the curb, feel free to wait on it.
"The Beauty Fanatics at Wal-Mart"
Wal-Mart CAN! Yeah? Can it? I have some questions; why do they feel the need to shout the word “can”? Are they trying to overcompensate for the fact that they’re a soulless horror of a corporation? Do they really, really want people to think they’re making some kind of difference? And “can” what? Put hard working neighborhood mom & pop stores out of business in droves? Hire the dregs of society and put them in positions to be the least helpful to customers? Yeah, you know what, Wal-Mart CAN... suck my dick, balls and asshole.
Wal-Mart Kevin & Kelly. Notice the alliteration in the names? First off, there’s no way these two people actually exist. There’s definitely a team of 12-18 corporate shitdicks writing all the material for these two. Second, since when does ANYONE want to know ANYTHING from the perspective of a retail sales associate? It’s a boring, soul-crushing job that, if stayed in for too long will rob you of your will to live, your imagination, libido, the ability and desire to create, and leave you a broken shell of a human being. And it certainly isn’t exclusive enough for Wal-Mart to presume that people would want not one but two sets of updates from the perspective of someone with a job absolutely anyone could get. Right now if they wanted to.
Like this asshole
And finally, Wal-Mart MP3. Umm, Ok, I know there are some weirdos out there who actually pretend MP3’s aren't free, like rain water or any food you finish before leaving the supermarket. They go to Itunes, you fucktards. For the rest of us its called Torrents and converting Youtube videos. Ohhhhh, wait. Unless you're some kind of sociopath who wants the censored, family-friendly, sanitized versions of your favorite songs, then I guess its Wallmart MP3 all the way. So let me see if I understand this from Wal-Mart's point of view... curse words, violence and sexual innuendo in music, not ok. But selling guns over the counter and out-competing small local businesses into bankruptcy, that's just fine? Yeah, keep attempting to force your hypocritical morality on people. We're all buying it.
Oh and thanks for having 6 fucking accounts and ruining the “# of followers”, “Last Twatter” format I had going there. I never realized it, but I think I fucking despise Wal-Mart. Ok, on with the list...
4. Channing Tatum. # of followers: 235,047. Wait... 235,047???!! Really?? THAT many people care what this douchebag is doing on daily basis? I live on the same planet as THAT many people that care about what this fucking asshole has to say?? There’s THAT many people that looked at a movie screen and saw this talentless piece of whale excrement with the douchiest name in the world ruining whatever movie it was and thought, oh yeah I gotta know what HE’s thinking about? Oh holy shit I’m angry.
5. Me. I told you before I don’t really use this thing, or get it. Why do I even have one?
Ok fine, so #5 was a cop out. To tell the truth after the Wal-mart rant, it all gets a little redundant. Target, Home Depot, local cab services, individual Dunkin Donuts franchises, airports (not just airlines, airports!), restaurants, a bunch of uninteresting celebrities, pretty much every news and talk show on TV… I don’t need or want to read 160 characters worth of anything these things have to say, and neither should any of you.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wow, it certainly has been awhile hasn't it?
Well don't just stand there, gimme a hug! What? Where have I been for the past 8 months you ask? Why, a little place called none of your goddam business that's where. So wipe that disgruntled look off your face, and just accept the fact that I have returned to brighten your lives with my thoughts and words like the battered little wives that you are. Don't make me get rapey... your friends don't believe you when you tell them you fell down and got a black eye, and it's really just embarassing for everybody.
I know what you must be thinking but no, the fact that I haven't blogged in months doesn't mean that I've gone soft or lost my edge, and it doesn't mean I'm no longer in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction, and it certainly doesn't mean I've gone all wacky and found jeebus. No, all my people out there in the blogosphere (YECCCCH!), all it really means is that living the life of a world-traveling, hard-partying, rock star lawyer is extremely time consuming and I just haven't had much time to jot down my psychotic madman rantings, poignant political thoughts or wishes of painful, horrific fates on nighborhood children and minimum wage making bakery chain employees.
That's all about to change though, as a new collection of bottom feeding, semen-felching, puddles of douche grease have caught my attention and I feel the need to share with all of you my complete disdain for them. I'm referring of course, to the Facebook Fakers. If you've been living under a rock, or you're one of those rebelious, anti-trendy, un-Americans who doesn't have a Facebook account and don't know what I'm talking about, there is a segment of society that is so bored with their own insignificant lives, so incapable of doing anything productive or relevant or beneficial to the rest of society, that they create fake Facebook profiles and pretend to be someone they're not. Basically, they take someone else's pictures (usually someone good looking) and friend request you in the hopes that you'll take the bait and accept. Then they either talk to you, or use you to bolster their credibility by making it look like they actually have a list of friends. The best I can tell, there are 2 types of these human bags of clam shit.
Type 1 is someone you know (and probably don't like), or possibly some creepy stalker who you don't know but absolutely knows who you are. This person will use a false identity to get around your privacy settings and keep tabs on you. Possibly because their lives are so devoid of anything resembling a friend or a loved one that they're living vicariously through your News Feed, or possibly because in their sad little worlds, the random wall posts from people who don't understand they're a fake actually count as social interactions, or possibly because they're going to wait til you slip up and post your whereabouts in your status so they can show up, murder you brutally and wear your face like a hat, its hard to tell which. Either way, these pathetic souls are right down there with those people who get obsessed with playing online role-playing games and die of starvation in a puddle of their own feces, despite being grossly overweight. Their real lives are empty, so they invent a new internet persona. While these people are unquestionably complete losers, they tend to be relatively harmless (unless they're like that face-hat guy I just spoke about... but I have to believe thats really rare). There's a much more repugnant offender out there.
Type 2 is much worse in my estimation. As near as I can figure out, Type 2 is either an ugly girl, a fat girl, an ugly fat girl, or a guy. Type 2 uses pics of someone far more attractive and feminine then them, gets you to accept a friend request, and then begins to express interest in you by poking you, "liking" your pics, leaving sexually suggestive or explicit comments on your wall, and sending you private messages or talking to you on facebook messenger. Type 2 will always suggest exchanging pics outside of Facebook and will inevitably send you near-nudes, or nudes. Its bad enough when they just steal some relatively unknown model's pics, but occasionally these swine polyps will actually have a bunch of real life pics of some real girl. These pics are stolen somehow, and you will be able to tell its fake because despite there being a whole bunch of group shots with "her" and her friends, none of those friends are tagged and none of those friends appear on her friends list (you feel that you fraudulent whore? You've just been fucked by the long dick of deductive reasoning! Fucked in the mouth!!!... and likely by that, and little else, given the fact that you have the free time and inclination to create fake profiles, your sex life is probably less than stellar).
If Type 2 is actually a female, she will even eventually get on the phone with you, and if you're a fool (or baiting them for comedic purposes, like me), tons of conversation and flirtation will occur. But, try to make plans or meet up with Type 2, or in any way try to verify Type 2's identity, and you will be met with a bevy of the worst excuses you've ever heard. "Hey that's a sexy pic you just sent me... know what would be really sexy? A pic of you holding up a sign with my name on it. and today's newspaper"... nope, sorry, she absolutely would take that pic for you, but unfortunately Type 2's phone AND camera are both broken. "Hey, you should meet me at Mansion Friday night" Ohhhh, sorry. She was going to, except Type 2 is constantly (conveniently) falling asleep, or passing out drunk at the least opportune moments, or getting in minor car accidents, or bailing a friend out of jail, or even claiming to be somewhere she's not (as in, at the same club you're at) "I AM here... YOU'RE not".
When backed into a corner, Type 2 will sometimes attempt to blame you for the reason the meeting never happened and sometimes just go off the grid for a week or two, only to text/call/message you again a week or two later as if the last time you spoke she didn't break plans and leave you hanging.
Now, if Type 2 is a guy all that goes out the window. Instead, its waaaaay creepier. Your online interactions will consist entirely of minor pleasantries, followed immediately by the raunchiest conversations you've ever had and him asking you to send nude pics/cam up nude and also asking if you'd ever be interested in a three way with "her" and another guy... all to gauge your level of openess to a potential homo encounter. Don't fall for it, its not a girl.
Now lucky for all of you, Joey is here to help. I've put together some very simple rules you can follow that will let you know 100% that person you're talking to is a Facebook Fake.
1. If the person has no profile pic, or only has like 6 pics, or if all her pics are professional "modeling" pics, you've got yourself a fake!
As much as we'd all like to believe it, Adriana L. doesn't really want to be your friend on Facebook
2. If the person has like 3 friends, or doesn't have any friends tagged in her pics, or has a lot of friends but no wall posts or comments that make it obvious that any of them actually know this person in real life ("that was so funny the way Chauncey pulled his pants down at work today", or "sick time last night... didn't think we could drink all that Colt 45" or "I can't believe that homeless guy made us smell his balls!", for example), you've got yourself a fake!
3. If the person initiates sexually explicit conversations within minutes of your first contact, you've got yourself a fake! (Sorry fellas, I know we like to think otherwise, but a real girl, especially a really good looking one, just does not start conversations with a dude she's never met with the sentence "You're sexy. I bet your dick would look great in my left nostril").
4. If the wall posts she DOES have are all guys saying variations of the sentence "you're so hot", you've got yourself a fake!
5. If the girl seems really into you in all your conversations but every one of your attempts to move the "relationship" past the internet or phone is met with excuse after excuse, you've got yourself a fake!
At this point you might be wondering why, if they're so obvious to me, would I even bother accepting friend requests from these drippy cum-blisters on society's balls? The same reason my house phone isn't on the "do not call" list - its a free opportunity to fuck with people who deserve to be fucked with (and also because I've been social networking on the 'net since FlyGuyCrew in 2002 and I've met and hooked up with quite a few real girls because of it, duh). Which brings me to my new feature here on the blog called On Blast: Facebook Fakes!, where I take one of these weirdos and put them on blast, for your amusement. The following is a real conversation I recently had, via private message on Facebook. This faker friend requested me while I was in Vegas last week. She had no pic up, which was red flag #1, but I accepted her anyway and threw her a "hey doll, whats up" on her wall, just to get the fun started... and start it did:
ON BLAST: FACEBOOK FAKES!
Melina Sena April 17 at 6:33pm Report
hey joey my name is melina but when you said hey doll my friends and family call me doll .i laugh at that for that was sweet,everybody call s me doll.i had alot to do today. hope to hear from you again.
Melina Sena April 18 at 12:19pm Report
hey joey did you get all my message that i sent to you . this is doll.
Joey Armao April 19 at 9:10pm
That's cute. I call everyone doll. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I was in Vegas all weekend
Melina Sena April 20 at 10:54am Report
hi joey glad you had a good time in vegas. lov ,doll have to go now very busy day today.
Melina Sena April 20 at 11:10am Report
i am glad you had a good time i can see by your pictures ,that you did good for you. as for me i am very busy to day. hey joey ijust send you messages now i am writing another one ,sorry about that . have to go u have a good day joey. doll
Joey Armao April 20 at 2:18pm
Melina Sena April 20 at 5:12pm Report
hey joey my friends told me to put my picture on my home page they said you are a doll . so i did so this is me my body is beautiful two soooo this this me doll joey hope to hear from u soon. doll
Now let me stop here a minute. Yes, that's really the pic "she" put up. Now let me clarify, even though she didn't have a profile pic, she had an album with some pics in it. There were no tags, but the girl in it that I assumed was supposed to be her was kinda cute, so I figured I would let things play out even though the no main pic and no tags were warning signs. Then she posted this monstrosity. What my reaction to this was supposed to be to it, I don't really know. But you can see what it was below. Also, STOP SAYING DOLL YOU ASSHOLE...
Melina Sena April 21 at 5:34pm Report
hey joey how are you doing ? did you get all my message. doll
Joey Armao April 21 at 5:36pm
I did. You're obviously not getting MY message though, because I deleted you. I don't have time to talk to people who are obviously either a fake profile or just a general facebook weirdo. Have a nice day though.
Melina Sena April 21 at 5:56pm Report
that is not afake profile that is me how dear you and i am not a face book weirdo ,that picture is real again not fake at all ,my friend will laugh at this for you are crazy you also have a good day
Joey Armao April 22 at 12:32pm
Whatever, don't get upset. And how dear I? I dear because YOU friend requested me, and you're a fraud because a) the other pics you have of "you" in the albums on your page arent the same as your new profile pic and b) NO ONE would admit to looking like that. Even if you are real, your obviously tenuous grasp of the written English language would have gotten you deleted soon anyway. If I want to converse with a 8 year old, I'll talk to my cousins. Also, seriously, I would take that pic down, you look like you died last week. The only doll you resemble is a Chucky doll. The mangled fucked up one from part 3.
Sent via Facebook Mobile
Melina Sena April 22 at 12:47pm Report
GO TO HELL,
Joey Armao WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Sent via Facebook Mobile