Monday, January 26, 2009

Perpetual Dissatisfaction: Volume 2; Number 2: Driving, and a Few Random Thoughts

OK, here we go, (finally) a brand new blog for 2009. I've had a few things kicking around in my head but until today nothing really enraged me enough to pierce the fog of laziness that's usually responsible for my lapses in writing. But, I encountered a new phenomenon today and it made me so angry I wanted to shit nails. So rather than ruin my wonderfully pristine little colon by evacuating some piercing sharp hardware, I figured I'd just share my story with you all instead. On top of that, I guess I'll also mention those few random things I had kicking around that weren't inspiring enough to get a full article out of. Anyway, on with the blog!

So today, something new happened to me while driving on two completely separate occasions, and as I said, it made so angry I just had to write about it. While on my way to work on the Belt Parkway this morning, and on my way home later tonight on the Grand Central, I came upon a pair of these human bags of whale excrement who see nothing wrong with going thirty-eight miles an hour with a stretch of highway like the runway at Andrews Air Force base in front of them. First of all, you dickcheeses, and this goes for anyone reading this as well, if everyone on the highway is passing you, whether you're doing twenty or sixty, whether you're in the right lane or the left, you're going TOO FUCKING SLOW. Now for me its not usually a problem because I just zip around these assholes like the Millenium Falcon making the Kessel run and don't give them more than a fleeting thought. But this morning, while doing my usual dip and dirty look while passing move, as the baby beemer was leaving this mini-van driving chunk of coagulating vaginal discharge in the dust, I glanced in my rear-view and saw that HE was flashing his brights at ME! Sure he was probably a quarter mile back, but still, this inconsiderate cocksucker, who apparently drives with no concern that other motorists actually have somewhere to be and don't want to go at his lobotomy-patient pace, was acting as if I did something wrong. This fuck was lucky I absolutely need my morning coffee or he'd have been in need of a trip to the car wash today, that much I can promise you.

It was the same on the way home; except this time I was behind some other jerk off as we were coming to the light right before the entrance to the parkway, and he was going just slow enough that he would have beat the red and I wouldn't. So I did what anyone who wants be home immediately after leaving work would do; I sped up, changed lanes, went around him, and dipped back in front of him after the light. We both got on the parkway, this time with me in front of him, and again as I sped away from him like a fat chick who was offered some celery, there he was flashing away with his brights. Ooh, you showed me, didn't you you fucking platypus' cunt? I don't know, I just find it enraging that these fucks are out there, all over the place, getting in the way of people who actually know how to drive correctly, forcing us to go at their pace. At the very least, stop being a goddam obstacle and get the fuck out of the way when you see someone coming up quick behind you. I don't care if I'm going ninety in the left lane (as I'm known to do occasionally) if I see some dude rocketing up behind me, I'm out of his way in a heartbeat. I'm sick to death of you goody two-shoes nerds who think it's up to you to decide how fast everyone else should go. I have no problem if you want to drive like you've suffered some kind of debilitating head trauma, but at least do your best to get out of the way of the people who actually want to get where they're going.

And while I'm on the subject of complaining about driving, let me just state for the record that if you're driving in the west bound right lane on the Grand Central right before the exit for the Cross Island, and you're not actually getting on the Cross Island, the government should execute your family, you traffic-causing barrel of dick snot. Now that I'm actually giving it all this thought, there's so much more I could complain about when it comes to driving. Simple shit, like people who can't be bothered to use their turn signals, drives me absolutely insane. Except when people use them in a turn-only lane, or on a road that follows a curve. Thanks for the warning fuckwit; for a minute there I was scared you were gonna plow your car into that upcoming Dairy Queen.

Now look, I acknowledge that I drive somewhat aggressively, and yeah, sometimes its just me being massively impatient. But the vast majority of the time its because it's the only way to get ANYWHERE in this fucking ridiculous city. Some days I even wish I was still commuting on the A train so I wouldn't have these problems anymore. Then I remember the caliber of miscreant your forced to associate with when you use mass transit... and I don't think anyone expects a man of my ilk to lower himself to that.

And now its time for random thoughts.

First lets start with Nancy Pelosi. Now for those of you who know me, its probably hard to believe that I couldn't write blogs worth of complaints about Ms. Pelosi and liberals in general for that matter (ok let's face it, those are coming). I mean, its no secret that I think you're all a bunch of unrealistic, guilt-ridden, language-obsessed pansies who prefer to silence opposing viewpoints rather than intelligently argue points (because you usually get your teeth kicked in during real debates); but I digress. So yes, while I do think Ms. Pelosi is a dangerous ultra-left fanatic, what I really want to point out today is that the woman is terrifying to look at. I mean, just frightening. Seriously, you ever really look at her? The bitch looks like Skeletor, and I occasionally fantasize about smashing her orbital bones to powder with a sand wedge. But that's just me.

Conservatives, by the way, can eat a shopping bag full of dicks too. Enough with your religion and your false morality. EVERYONE is tired of it. I respect your right to believe whatever fairy tale you want to, respect mine to think you're silly for it... and as far as abortion goes, ladies, I don't care if you want to take a variable speed pneumatic jackhammer to whatevers growing in your womb, have a ball. It's none of my business and never will be (just please don't ask me to pay for it).

Getting back to driving for a second, why is it that whenever I'm driving in Jersey either on the Turnpike or the Garden State, drivers in the left lane will courteously move out of the way and let you pass when you're comin up behind them, yet these same people drive like they have Downs Syndrome when they're here in New York?

Anyone else suspect that Dunkin Donuts is a front for milling illegals into this country? I only ask this because if you go into a Dunkin Donuts on a semi-regular basis, you know that aside from the three or four usual employees whose skill at their jobs ranges from barely competent to piss poor to actually detrimental to the serving of coffee and baked goods, there's usually two or three new recruits milling around behind the counter somewhat aimlessly. Even if you don't frequent the same Dunkin Donuts all the time, you can tell who they are because they speak not a word of english and do nothing but stare blankly at you when you try to order from them until one of the others comes to the rescue. This all may seem innocent, especially since most of these specimens barely seem capable of tying their shoes, much less anything nefarious. But mark my words, a legion of men of questionable ethnicity is slowly invading this country. The Army of the Twelve Munchkins is coming!

Thats all for now. I'll be back with more soon.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Greatest Hits Part 1

Hey, a bunch of you have told me you're going to subscribe to the new blog, so rather than make you wait, I figured I'd hit you off with some of my "greatest hits" from the blog's previous incarnation. Re-reading these made me laugh out loud, I hope they'll do the same for you. And if they don't, well hey, go fuck yourself!

--This first one got more comments than any other blog I've ever written. "Dunkin Donuts Chimps" - Originally posted on October 25, 2007.

Something happened today that I found to be funny but also a little scary, and I thought I'd share it because it's a pretty good window into the my dementia that captivates my thoughts and keeps me from truly being a functional member of this thing we call society. I was in Dunkin Donuts early this morning, waiting in the usual long line for my morning caffeine fix. The woman in front of me was placing her order, and I couldn't help but notice how disgustingly condescending this fucking twat was being to the cashier she was speaking to. She was speaking very slowly and deliberately, as if to a child or a retard, and it so enraged me that I wanted to physically assault her. Seriously, I began to daydream about repeatedly smashing this stuck up cunts' face into the counter and then pouring her steaming hot cup of coffee on the back of her neck. I wanted to kick her and beat her to floor. I swear, I tasted blood. How dare she speak to another human being that way? It disgusted me on a level I can't really begin to describe.

The punch line here is that I will absolutely be the first to tell you that the fucking chimps behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts are probably among the worst people in an allegedly service-based industry that I've ever encountered. I've probably wished death on these human pieces of masonite on many, many occasions. Why is it so hard to understand "large ice coffee, skim milk, four Splenda"? That's not hard. That sentence should never be countered with "you want hot coffee?" or "half and half?" or anything other than "here's your coffee". It's fucking infuriating. They're stupid, they're slow and if you don't pay very strict, careful attention to them as they move around behind the counter with absolutely no sense of urgency whatsoever, they WILL get your order wrong.

Yet, it absolutely outraged me that this stuck up bag of shit was speaking to them in the manner that she did. So, if you follow my logic, wishing death or horrible pain on the Dunkin Donuts people is ok, actually hoping with every fiber of my being that after they finish serving me, they go into the bathroom, slip in a puddle of piss and chip their front teeth on a urinal is fine, but speaking to them in a disrespectful tone? Not so much. I make no sense.

--This next one is about something that continues to irk me to this day, originally published on March 30, 2007:

Well kids, I've got to say, I can't think of much to complain about right now. I chalk it up to the awesome weather we've had this week. It's hard to be dissatisfied when there's a cool breeze blowing in through your office window. Wait a minute. Office. Window. Breeze. I'm trapped in this office and not out in that cool breeze? Oh yeah, there we go, dissatisfaction level rising.

Anyway, after I bashed liberals, Al Sharpton, the Black Community and white guilt last week, this week I'm going to keep things much lighter and much less controversial. As I wrote in my first column, I consider myself a humanist. I look for ways we, as a species, can improve, and as a flip side to that, I try to target the reasons we just aren't. One of those reasons is that people, in general, are really pretty self-centered. I'm sure there's an evolutionary reason we are this way. I mean, looking out for one's own best interests is something of a survival instinct, and I'm sure that some element of man's "me first" behavior is left over from a time when not looking out for #1 could mean ending up getting your face chewed off by a lion. The problem is that man is also by nature a social animal, and when you've got a group of people congregating together who are all serving their own best interests at the expense of everyone else, it makes progress - and enjoying the situation - real difficult.

I'm not going to speak in generalities though; I'm targeting one piece of anti-social, annoying and downright rude behavior here today. Something that irritates me so much it remains one of the only things that will get me to say something to the person doing it. I'm laidback enough that I let most shit go. I've rarely gotten into a fight in my life and I tend to let the irritating things people do roll off me, but not this. What could I possibly be talking about, you ask? Well I'll tell you. Picture it, you're in a tight crowd, be it at a bar or club, or at a sporting event, or pretty much anywhere where space is limited and there's a lot of people. Now, obviously, navigating your way through this type of situation is tough, and even tougher is when you've found your spot, and people around you are trying to navigate their way around you. So there you are, waiting in place to get up to a bar that's three people deep, or whatever, and someone's trying to get past you. You do the polite thing and make enough space for them to pass through, and bang… the DOUCHE BAG proceeds to remain in the exact space you just vacated for them. You're kidding me right? I just stepped aside to allow you through, and you take that opportunity to grab MY spot, to quote Charlie Murphy "like I'm that nigga to steal on"? Absolutely not. This is one of the most frustrating, irksome things a person could do, and I refuse to put up with it.

So, to anyone who's done this, who still does it, or will do it in the future, I say, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you that fucking oblivious and self-centered that you thought I was giving you my spot? That I saw your eminence coming and quickly stepped aside so your grace could have my place in line? Fuck no. This might sound trivial, but I'm dead serious, if you ever hear of me burying my fist into someone else's face, assume this is why.
Maybe it's just me, but I was raised to be considerate of other people. I don't like being in people's way, I don't like making people wait for me or inconveniencing them more than I have to, and I guess I'm just stupid because I expect the same courtesy in return. So naturally I get really heated when it's so blatantly disregarded. Am I really asking much here? All I want is people to be aware that there ARE other people around them and to treat those people with a very basic level of respect. It doesn't sound like so much to ask, does it? Think about it!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

PERPETUAL DISSATISFACTION: Volume 2; Number 1: Re-introduction

Alright kids, here we are. New year, new blog location, and the same old rants about everything I think is wrong with this stupid world of ours.

I wanted to take a quick minute and just remind you all what I do. Mostly, I complain. In fact I find that I complain a lot. And even though I say that my complaints are all geared toward making this planet a much more tolerable place to live there are still some who would label me a malcontent, an agitator or a misanthrope. Those not speaking like they lived at the turn of the 18th Century would say I'm complainer, and those who wanted to be insulting jerks would say I'm a sniveling bellyacher who is constantly griping and grousing. If your one of those, don't worry, you'll get yours.

Anyway, if you're a fan of the old blog from MySpace, you already know that in between entertaining you all with stories of my own life, I'm educating you all on how much better the world would be if everyone just listened to me, and trying to do so in as humorous a way as possible. The problem is that no one does, and as a result I am, you guessed it, perpetually dissatisfied. But, the cause of my inevitable mental breakdown is your gain my loyal readers, because I must say that I am one amusing motherfucker. So kick back, enjoy my ranting and leave some comments if you're so inclined (actually leave me comments whether or not you are... my ego needs feeding, dammit). Just click the link that says "follow this blog" and you'll be alerted every time I post. Click it now, or I'll harm your children.