Thursday, February 2, 2012

5 Things 2/2/12

Hey everyone, its time for another 5 things! You know the story by now, 5 random thoughts I’ve had over the past few days, posted here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!  

1. I’ve been riding the A train to work for the past 7 months, and I’ll tell you this; there’s nothing like mass transit to really make you hate abnormally large people. I’m not just talking about the general disdain normal people all have for fatties either. I mean there’s that, sure. But I’m talking about large people in general. If your proportions are so big that it’s uncomfortable (or impossible) to even sit in the seat next to you on the train, I don’t care if you’re the nicest person in the world, you’re an asshole.

Hugo shouldn't even be allowed in the station. Sorry dude. 

2. It amazes me how in just the past few years “Google” has become a verb. No one does a “web search” anymore. You Google it. I remember back in the day using webcrawler or dogpile or netscape navigator, but all that shits out the window now. It’s Google, period. And no one better tell me about Bing. No one’s “Binging” anything. If you’re using Bing, I don’t care if you’re the nicest person in the world, you’re an asshole.

3. I really fucking hate it when people say “labtop”. It’s laptop. LAP. TOP. It’s a computer that goes on TOP of your LAP. This isn’t a difficult concept. You don’t have a lab, you’re not the Rza. Or Batman.  And even if you were, why would the computer be on top of the lab? It wouldn’t. It would be in the lab. That computer would be called a labin, dummy. If you say labtop, I don’t care if you’re the nicest person in the world, you’re an asshole.  

Pictured Above: Batman.
Oh yeah, and your shit's analog.

4. Know what rules? Time Warner’s shopping bags. Anyone who’s had the misfortune of having to visit a TW customer center knows this; the shopping bag they give you to take home your mediocre-quality, sub-standard technology, cable box is awesome. So sturdy and large and orange and reusable. TW is in the wrong business. They should stop providing people with televised home entertainment, which they absolute suck at, and stick to providing people with these high-quality bags. They'd be a much more likeable company. 

5. Oh and speaking of riding the subway (you like how this just came full circle, don’t you?) if you’re standing on the platform at an even moderately busy time, and the train you’re waiting for comes in, and among the cars with seats full of people going past you, you notice a section, or sometimes even a whole car that’s empty, it is NOT your lucky day.  99% of time, that emptiness has something to do with shit.

You can't smell it from there, but someone shit in this car. Guaranteed 


One-time only, a Bonus 6th Thing!!  

6. Only because its seems that most of my insane thoughts have centered on the A train lately (gee, I wonder why), I also need to point out that if you’re sitting in one of those banks of three seats together, and you stay in the middle seat when one (or both) of the seats on either side of you opens up, you’re a creep, a sociopath AND an asshole.

This guy should be stomped to death

Ok, fine here's a list of some more: If you're digging in your pocket or bag for your Metrocard AT the turnstile, you're an asshole. If I can hear you over my headphones because you can't talk in an "indoor voice" on the train, you're an asshole. If you get on a crowded train wearing a backpack over both shoulders, or with luggage, or a bike, or your dog, or a baby carriage, or several 55 gallon garbage bags full of aluminum cans (yeah, it happened), you're an asshole. If you're eating, or performing any kind of personal hygiene/grooming while on the train, cut your fucking nails at home, you're an asshole AND a savage. If you can't listen to music on your headphones without singing and/or dancing on the train, you're an asshole. And finally, if you stand, sit, or come anywhere near me on the train, you sir, are an asshole.

This weekend I'll post the complaint letter I wrote to the MTA (cc'd to the Mayor, Governor, and several representatives at various levels of government). Yeah, I'm THAT guy now.  


  1. "LAP. TOP."


    I will forever love, "5 Things."

  2. The only thing that I miss about taking the train to work, was being able to read for over 2 hours a day. Besides that, it sucked (as you so clearly stated).

    Well done '5 (6) Things' as always. Keep them coming!

    I can't wait to see the complaint letter!