PERPETUAL DISSATISFACTION: Volume 2; Number 3: Miscreant Horror-Children
Ok, so I realized that it’s been quite some time since I graced you all with a venom-laced, anger-instilled rant blog. What can I say, things have been fairly good. And I’ve also been way too busy to write lately – which I suppose could be the subject of its own venom-laced, anger-instilled rant blog. But it’s not the subject of THIS one, so if you really wanna hear about how I’m sick of working and kinda want to run away and start a gang of pre-teen thieves like Nutsy Fagin in Oliver Twist, well just call me in the office during a week day, and you’ll get that rant then. This one’s about something different.
Let me start off by saying that in an effort to find something to inspire enough rage in me to write about, I asked Liz to get me a bootleg copy of Transformers 2. As of yet she has not, because LIZ IS A SLACKER. However when you seek, the universe provides and I found my vitriolic muse tonight as I drove around the corner on my block; in the form of the rodent-children that seem to infest the street I live on. Now some of you may remember my Facebook status from last week where I told you all about how I already ran afoul of a couple of these vermin when one of them decided to kick his skateboard under my car as I pulled into my driveway. Well, one crushed skateboard and an obscenity-laced scolding later and you’d think the lesson would have been learned. I mean, I always assumed that rats could communicate with one another. Well I guess these other shaggy haired bags of shit didn’t get the neighborhood memo, because about six of them were skateboarding all over the street in and around the area in front of my house.
Now look, before anyone accuses me of just being a dick, I actually have no problem with that - in theory. What I absolutely DID have a problem with is they’re skateboarding in the street AND THEY DON’T FUCKING MOVE WHEN THEY SEE A CAR DRIVING TOWARD THEM. Honestly, I really don’t feel like having my life ruined because I killed some asshole kid who doesn’t have enough survival instinct to not do a bad Tony Hawk impression in front of my car. The mind boggling thing is that there’s a public fucking playground three blocks away, and these aren’t young kids that can’t leave the block I’m talking about, they’re like twelve or thirteen. It’s just fucking mind boggling to me though. When I was a kid, I was taught to have a healthy respect of the street, and by healthy respect I mean nightmare-inducing fear. My parents and older relatives had me so wary of the street that you’d have thought the blacktop had the power to independently reach up and crush the life from me somehow. If I ever did what these kids do on a daily basis, I’d have been screamed at, physically restrained and probably got a spanking too. So automatically, when I see one of these little fucktards running around in the street without a care in the world its a little jarring. And I know it’s because their parents came from some shithole third-world country where they don’t have heavy traffic (or roads, or television, or houses not made of dried mud). Which is exactly whose fault it’s going to be when one of these kids gets himself crushed to death by an oncoming motorist.
Now I’m not necessarily saying that I’m hoping an out of control cement mixer comes barreling down the block and takes out six or eight of these little motherfuckers in one clip, but I’m honest enough to say that part of me thinks it would serve them and their mystery-race parents right. And another thing, what the fuck are these kids even doing on skateboards anyway? They’re not white kids, this isn’t San Francisco and this isn’t The Lords of Dogtown. Fuck, it’s not even Gleaming the Cube. Shouldn’t these mongrels be selling trinkets for dollars and trying to pick people’s pockets or something? These little fucks haven’t even had the common decency to wipe out spectacularly while I’m watching so I can at least get a good laugh out of the whole situation.
In all seriousness, I’m at my wits end with this situation. I'm waiting for the day when I'm backing out of my driveway at less then 5 miles an hour and I hit one of these fuckers because (despite the fact that I looked a hundred times and made sure I knew where they all were before I started moving the car) it never occured to one of them not to dive lemming-like into the cars' path. The only thing resembling a solution I've been able to come up with is that I'm considering sending out an anonymous mailing to everyone on the block… something along the lines of “attention neighbors of questionable ethnic origin, your lack of parenting skills is putting your children’s lives in danger. Tell them to get the fuck out of the street when they see cars coming down the block. If I have to stop short again, or be delayed while I watch one of them continue to throw a ball or stumble his way through just one more casper or kick flip before he lets me pass, I am going to find you and feed you your child’s skateboard. Hopefully you can read English”. Yup, that sounds perfect.