Tuesday, September 15, 2009

More Greatest Hits!

Hey guys... ok look I'll be honest, rather than create something new for you fuckers, I'm just gonna go ahead and post some more greatest hits from the old myspace blog. I mean, look, if you've never read those, these are new to you; and if you have read them, ah just shut the fuck up and read them again. It won't kill you.

This gem was originally published July 3, 2008:

I have a giant problem. This is something that absolutely must be affecting us all; the rich, the poor, the old, the young, black, red, yellow, white and everyone in between. Yet this is something you never hear talked about on the news, written about in newspapers or blogs, or anywhere really, and the fact that nobody is bothering to even mention it is really starting to annoy and quite honestly frighten me. I mean, I can't possibly be the only who's noticed this phenomenon. It's completely impossible, and I'm beginning to suspect that this might just be "one of those things" that everyone acknowledges but no one will discuss. Well fuck that, I'm discussing it."What the fuck is Joey talking about?" You may ask. Well, ok, I want to know why since at least the year 1979, and possibly longer (I don't know because I wasn't here) time has been speeding up? Think about it, when we were kids, a year was a long fuckin time. Shit, an hour was a long fuckin time. Now it all goes by in the blink of an eye. I'd even go so far as to say that as little as ten years ago, a week was still a week, more or less. Now its got to be like four days, tops. C'mon, I mean one minute its Monday, and before you know it Friday's here, then the weekend lasts all of thirty seconds and we're back to Monday. Think I'm crazy? How many of you feel as old as the calendar year says you are? I certainly don't feel twenty-something, and I know a lot of you don't either. Know why? Because we're all really seventeen! The time between our birthdays has just gotten shorter!

I know right now some of you are going "it just FEELS that way because we're older" or some other such nonsense. I say Bullshit! Stop being a sheep and open your eyes. That's obviously what "they" want you to think. It's all propaganda maaaaaaaaaaaan! They're distracting you with crap like global warming and oil prices and the war in Iraq, when none of that garbage even matters because sooner or later, a minute is going to be a second long, a second is going to be a nanosecond long and well, I don't know any shorter increments of time, but you get my point. You know how they always say like the sun is gonna burn out in like 52 Billion years or something? Well it's more like eight years now. Why aren't our scientists doing something about this? Fuck the whales, fuck the rainforests; we need to save our minutes! The only thing I can't figure out is if this is a natural phenomenon that the people in charge are trying to keep a secret, or if some evil organization is actually accelerating time. Either way, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. If I disappear mysteriously soon, you'll all know why! Tell my story!

This one was originally published May 5, 2008:

So, has anyone seen that horrible Optimum Online commercial? You know the one I mean. It's the one that's obviously the result of some board room marketing douche saying, "Reggaeton is very popular, let's target the Hispanic audience with a Reggaeton themed commercial". Then they shit out this fucking abomination. This is the type of commercial that's so reprehensible that it makes you want to boycott the product its advertising. Way to go shitdicks, I know your dumb phone number by heart, but I wouldn't dial it at gun point. I don't know what "mi gente" means, but I hope it has something to do with the star of this commercial getting 3rd degree burns and needing massive skin grafts. My fondest wish right now is that the cast of this commercial suffers the same fate as the cast of Poltergeist. Especially that bag of shit dressed like the sea monster. I'd love to remove his dumb dragon-fish helmet with a shotgun.

Not that Time-Warner is any better. It's not their commercials that bother me though, it's their actual service. This, to me, defies comprehension. Their business model is basically such that we, as the consumers, are required to pay them all kinds of idiotic fees and charges, SO THEY CAN CHARGE US FOR CABLE EVERY MONTH. Are you shitting me? They charge you per box. They charge you per REMOTE CONTROL. Here you go asshole, give us fifty bucks so we can charge you 300 bucks a month for cable. Shitty cable, that doesn't even always work. Why the fuck do I have to reset my box every single goddam time I wanna watch an HD channel? I'm sorry, but if I'm good for three bills every month, maybe the fucking boxes that allow me to get the programming that costs me those three bills should be on the arm, no? Fucking thieves. Oh and thanks to our lovely government for allowing these vultures to have virtual monopolies over their products so they can continue assfucking their customers. You're all wonderful!

This one's from way back on December 31, 2007:

I swear it's a good thing I don't smoke pot, because if I did I could easily see myself falling into all-consuming weed-fueled contemplations of nonsense. As it is, I do a pretty good job without the assistance of marijuana. For example, the other day I found myself wondering for several hours about "societal norms" and why people do some of the things we do. Take manners for example. When you think about it, what we call manners really are just a bunch of made up rules that a bunch of jerks decided they would follow and then make other people feel bad about not following. Like, who the fuck decided that it's rude to wear a hat at the dinner table? Or to put your elbows on the dinner table for that matter? Who are these people setting so many rules about how food is consumed? And why are other people agreeing to this crap? Others, like not burping or farting I could almost understand because these things tend to produce unpleasant odors, but even that isn't universal because you're always hearing that in some places an after meal belch is considered complimentary to the chef (what a wonderfully savage place that must be!). I'm just forced to ask why. Why is it rude to shake someone's hand using your left? Why is it rude to not shake hands at all? It's just idiotic. The way I figure it, some uppity douches at some point decided they'd make up a bunch of rules of conduct, and then severely look down upon anyone who didn't try to live up to their made up standards. Insecure fucks. I bet they all had small dicks too. I guess there are some that are good. Like saying "thank you". The thing is I never say thank you because I'm supposed to, I say it because I'm grateful. So is it more mannerly to say thank you and not mean it, or to be grateful but not express it? And why do I care? By the way, religion is pretty much the same thing, just a bunch of rules that some people decided to self-enforce and now here we are thousands of years later indoctrinated to this ridiculous crap when we're kids.

Speaking of ridiculous, at dinner on Christmas day, the subject of that freak girl in India who was born with four arms came up. To me, the most interesting part of that whole story was the fact that the people in her village were worshipping her as some sort of goddess before her parents had her sent off to have the parasitic limbs removed, so I mentioned it. The idea that people in this day and age could be so dumb got a huge laugh. I laughed too, because to me, the idea that people in this day and age believe a child was born to woman who was a virgin, grew up healing sick people, walking on water and turning bread into fish or whatever the fuck, then died to save everyone else and was alive again three days later is just as silly, if not moreso. But who am I to criticize? I mean I participate in this stuff for cultural reasons (and to get presents), so I guess it's a little hypocritical of me to poke fun at the people who buy into all the crap that surrounds this otherwise fun holiday. But come on, at least those dummies in India had something right in front of them to point to and go "look its ganesh!" or whatever monster it is that they worship. All we have is 2000 year old story that isn't backed up by any historical sources whatsoever.

And one of my favorites, from October 1st, 2007:

It occurred to me last week that this blog has gotten way too nice. For a column that's supposed to be about my constant state of discontent, I've been dishing out an awful lot of praise, cheer and benevolence lately. Fine, things have been going well. I get it. At least I've been honest and not invented things to complain about.

Just to keep up the expected level of disgruntlement, I considered writing up a whole column complaining about smokers. You know; the usual stuff about how it's a vile, disgusting habit. How even the hottest woman may as well be covered in shit as far as I'm concerned if she has a cigarette in her hand. How, with everything we know about cancer and nicotine and black, rotted, growth-festered organs, and commercials featuring a Spanish man talking through a hole in his throat, or a gangrenous foot, or my personal favorite, the one where that doctor guy squeezes that thick, white, viscous shit out of a smoker's artery, you'd have to be a complete and utter asshole, devoid of anything resembling baseline human intelligence to continue indulging in this sickening behavior. I was going to make fun of you jerks, possibly by typing something like "Ooh, look at me, I'm inhaling poisons into my lungs! I'm so cool! Feel bad for me because I'm addicted and can't stop, I have a disease... even though all I actually have to DO to stop is to not buy cigarettes. Then I was going to close by pointing out how utterly inconsiderate you people are. I would have gone on about how it should be legal for me to stomp the shit out of one of you every time I'm stuck walking in the smoke trail of one of you inconsiderate shit-clogs solely because I had the supreme misfortune of being on the same sidewalk as you. I'd have written about how the crowds of you assholes clustered just outside the doorways us more health-conscious citizens have to walk through should be considered prime targets for drive-by shootings. I'd have concluded by advocating that the most inconsiderate of you (the ones who will go outside to smoke, but not exhale your last breath of shit-air until you get back inside the door) should be violently sodomized in the mouth by a large Guatemalan convict before being thrown down a long flight of metal steps. Then I would have challenged even one of you to come forward with any compelling argument telling me about your "rights" or whatever. SHUT THE FUCK UP! That's what I was going to write about, but I've changed my mind. Choke!

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