Thursday, April 22, 2010

On Blast: Facebook Fakes!

Guess who's biz-ack!

Wow, it certainly has been awhile hasn't it?

Well don't just stand there, gimme a hug! What? Where have I been for the past 8 months you ask? Why, a little place called none of your goddam business that's where. So wipe that disgruntled look off your face, and just accept the fact that I have returned to brighten your lives with my thoughts and words like the battered little wives that you are. Don't make me get rapey... your friends don't believe you when you tell them you fell down and got a black eye, and it's really just embarassing for everybody.

I know what you must be thinking but no, the fact that I haven't blogged in months doesn't mean that I've gone soft or lost my edge, and it doesn't mean I'm no longer in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction, and it certainly doesn't mean I've gone all wacky and found jeebus. No, all my people out there in the blogosphere (YECCCCH!), all it really means is that living the life of a world-traveling, hard-partying, rock star lawyer is extremely time consuming and I just haven't had much time to jot down my psychotic madman rantings, poignant political thoughts or wishes of painful, horrific fates on nighborhood children and minimum wage making bakery chain employees.

That's all about to change though, as a new collection of bottom feeding, semen-felching, puddles of douche grease have caught my attention and I feel the need to share with all of you my complete disdain for them. I'm referring of course, to the Facebook Fakers. If you've been living under a rock, or you're one of those rebelious, anti-trendy, un-Americans who doesn't have a Facebook account and don't know what I'm talking about, there is a segment of society that is so bored with their own insignificant lives, so incapable of doing anything productive or relevant or beneficial to the rest of society, that they create fake Facebook profiles and pretend to be someone they're not. Basically, they take someone else's pictures (usually someone good looking) and friend request you in the hopes that you'll take the bait and accept. Then they either talk to you, or use you to bolster their credibility by making it look like they actually have a list of friends. The best I can tell, there are 2 types of these human bags of clam shit.

Type 1 is someone you know (and probably don't like), or possibly some creepy stalker who you don't know but absolutely knows who you are. This person will use a false identity to get around your privacy settings and keep tabs on you. Possibly because their lives are so devoid of anything resembling a friend or a loved one that they're living vicariously through your News Feed, or possibly because in their sad little worlds, the random wall posts from people who don't understand they're a fake actually count as social interactions, or possibly because they're going to wait til you slip up and post your whereabouts in your status so they can show up, murder you brutally and wear your face like a hat, its hard to tell which. Either way, these pathetic souls are right down there with those people who get obsessed with playing online role-playing games and die of starvation in a puddle of their own feces, despite being grossly overweight. Their real lives are empty, so they invent a new internet persona. While these people are unquestionably complete losers, they tend to be relatively harmless (unless they're like that face-hat guy I just spoke about... but I have to believe thats really rare). There's a much more repugnant offender out there.

Type 2 is much worse in my estimation. As near as I can figure out, Type 2 is either an ugly girl, a fat girl, an ugly fat girl, or a guy. Type 2 uses pics of someone far more attractive and feminine then them, gets you to accept a friend request, and then begins to express interest in you by poking you, "liking" your pics, leaving sexually suggestive or explicit comments on your wall, and sending you private messages or talking to you on facebook messenger. Type 2 will always suggest exchanging pics outside of Facebook and will inevitably send you near-nudes, or nudes. Its bad enough when they just steal some relatively unknown model's pics, but occasionally these swine polyps will actually have a bunch of real life pics of some real girl. These pics are stolen somehow, and you will be able to tell its fake because despite there being a whole bunch of group shots with "her" and her friends, none of those friends are tagged and none of those friends appear on her friends list (you feel that you fraudulent whore? You've just been fucked by the long dick of deductive reasoning! Fucked in the mouth!!!... and likely by that, and little else, given the fact that you have the free time and inclination to create fake profiles, your sex life is probably less than stellar).

If Type 2 is actually a female, she will even eventually get on the phone with you, and if you're a fool (or baiting them for comedic purposes, like me), tons of conversation and flirtation will occur. But, try to make plans or meet up with Type 2, or in any way try to verify Type 2's identity, and you will be met with a bevy of the worst excuses you've ever heard. "Hey that's a sexy pic you just sent me... know what would be really sexy? A pic of you holding up a sign with my name on it. and today's newspaper"... nope, sorry, she absolutely would take that pic for you, but unfortunately Type 2's phone AND camera are both broken. "Hey, you should meet me at Mansion Friday night" Ohhhh, sorry. She was going to, except Type 2 is constantly (conveniently) falling asleep, or passing out drunk at the least opportune moments, or getting in minor car accidents, or bailing a friend out of jail, or even claiming to be somewhere she's not (as in, at the same club you're at) "I AM here... YOU'RE not".

When backed into a corner, Type 2 will sometimes attempt to blame you for the reason the meeting never happened and sometimes just go off the grid for a week or two, only to text/call/message you again a week or two later as if the last time you spoke she didn't break plans and leave you hanging.

Now, if Type 2 is a guy all that goes out the window. Instead, its waaaaay creepier. Your online interactions will consist entirely of minor pleasantries, followed immediately by the raunchiest conversations you've ever had and him asking you to send nude pics/cam up nude and also asking if you'd ever be interested in a three way with "her" and another guy... all to gauge your level of openess to a potential homo encounter. Don't fall for it, its not a girl.

(P.S. on a completely unrelated note, ladies, 2 girls and 1 guy is a threesome, 2 guys and 1 girl is called a train. Always keep that in mind).

Now lucky for all of you, Joey is here to help. I've put together some very simple rules you can follow that will let you know 100% that person you're talking to is a Facebook Fake.

1. If the person has no profile pic, or only has like 6 pics, or if all her pics are professional "modeling" pics, you've got yourself a fake!

As much as we'd all like to believe it, Adriana L. doesn't really want to be your friend on Facebook

2. If the person has like 3 friends, or doesn't have any friends tagged in her pics, or has a lot of friends but no wall posts or comments that make it obvious that any of them actually know this person in real life ("that was so funny the way Chauncey pulled his pants down at work today", or "sick time last night... didn't think we could drink all that Colt 45" or "I can't believe that homeless guy made us smell his balls!", for example), you've got yourself a fake!

3. If the person initiates sexually explicit conversations within minutes of your first contact, you've got yourself a fake! (Sorry fellas, I know we like to think otherwise, but a real girl, especially a really good looking one, just does not start conversations with a dude she's never met with the sentence "You're sexy. I bet your dick would look great in my left nostril").

4. If the wall posts she DOES have are all guys saying variations of the sentence "you're so hot", you've got yourself a fake!

5. If the girl seems really into you in all your conversations but every one of your attempts to move the "relationship" past the internet or phone is met with excuse after excuse, you've got yourself a fake!

At this point you might be wondering why, if they're so obvious to me, would I even bother accepting friend requests from these drippy cum-blisters on society's balls? The same reason my house phone isn't on the "do not call" list - its a free opportunity to fuck with people who deserve to be fucked with (and also because I've been social networking on the 'net since FlyGuyCrew in 2002 and I've met and hooked up with quite a few real girls because of it, duh). Which brings me to my new feature here on the blog called On Blast: Facebook Fakes!, where I take one of these weirdos and put them on blast, for your amusement. The following is a real conversation I recently had, via private message on Facebook. This faker friend requested me while I was in Vegas last week. She had no pic up, which was red flag #1, but I accepted her anyway and threw her a "hey doll, whats up" on her wall, just to get the fun started... and start it did:


Melina Sena April 17 at 6:33pm Report
hey joey my name is melina but when you said hey doll my friends and family call me doll .i laugh at that for that was sweet,everybody call s me doll.i had alot to do today. hope to hear from you again.

Melina Sena April 18 at 12:19pm Report
hey joey did you get all my message that i sent to you . this is doll.

Joey Armao April 19 at 9:10pm
That's cute. I call everyone doll. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I was in Vegas all weekend

Melina Sena April 20 at 10:54am Report
hi joey glad you had a good time in vegas. lov ,doll have to go now very busy day today.

Melina Sena April 20 at 11:10am Report
i am glad you had a good time i can see by your pictures ,that you did good for you. as for me i am very busy to day. hey joey ijust send you messages now i am writing another one ,sorry about that . have to go u have a good day joey. doll

Joey Armao April 20 at 2:18pm
Umm... ok.

Melina Sena April 20 at 5:12pm Report
hey joey my friends told me to put my picture on my home page they said you are a doll . so i did so this is me my body is beautiful two soooo this this me doll joey hope to hear from u soon. doll

Now let me stop here a minute. Yes, that's really the pic "she" put up. Now let me clarify, even though she didn't have a profile pic, she had an album with some pics in it. There were no tags, but the girl in it that I assumed was supposed to be her was kinda cute, so I figured I would let things play out even though the no main pic and no tags were warning signs. Then she posted this monstrosity. What my reaction to this was supposed to be to it, I don't really know. But you can see what it was below. Also, STOP SAYING DOLL YOU ASSHOLE...

Melina Sena April 21 at 5:34pm Report
hey joey how are you doing ? did you get all my message. doll

Joey Armao April 21 at 5:36pm
I did. You're obviously not getting MY message though, because I deleted you. I don't have time to talk to people who are obviously either a fake profile or just a general facebook weirdo. Have a nice day though.

Melina Sena April 21 at 5:56pm Report
that is not afake profile that is me how dear you and i am not a face book weirdo ,that picture is real again not fake at all ,my friend will laugh at this for you are crazy you also have a good day

Joey Armao April 22 at 12:32pm
Whatever, don't get upset. And how dear I? I dear because YOU friend requested me, and you're a fraud because a) the other pics you have of "you" in the albums on your page arent the same as your new profile pic and b) NO ONE would admit to looking like that. Even if you are real, your obviously tenuous grasp of the written English language would have gotten you deleted soon anyway. If I want to converse with a 8 year old, I'll talk to my cousins. Also, seriously, I would take that pic down, you look like you died last week. The only doll you resemble is a Chucky doll. The mangled fucked up one from part 3.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Melina Sena April 22 at 12:47pm Report


Sent via Facebook Mobile


  1. "You call him Dr. Jones, doll!"

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Vintage Jofus... god I missed this. Love your stuff kid... lets get a P.D./C.C.D. collabo Hope to get another one sooner then 8 months from now... you make me cry laughing son!!! Watch out for them Facebook fakes, and dont forget to put the lotion in the basket...

  4. HAHAHAHA! Good fun!!!

    That person's grammar was STELLAR!!!

    A fun read, Monkey.

  5. I had to finish reading this edition of P.D. at work this morning because I started reading it late last night in the darkness of my living room. When I reached the point where the creep finally posted her photo for you...I literally got frightened and shut the link down.

    Good work.

  6. If you've been living under a rock, or you're one of those rebelious, anti-trendy, un-Americans who doesn't have a Facebook account

    Even though I am one of the people stated above, I was still able to understand and enjoy this post. Thanks!

  7. Love ya buddy... and I still say one day I'm gonna start one of those fake Facebook accounts FOR YOU!