Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Five Things 9/21/10

Some of you might have noticed that I don't update this thing very often. By "very often" I mean "more than three times a year". Part of the reason for that is that in the past, anything I've written has been edited and rewritten like two dozen times before I deemed it worthy for you to even set your eyes on it. All of that's about to change because I realized a few things. First of all, this type of behavior doesn't make for a very prolific writer, and given that this is just a little old internet blog, the stuff I post doesn't need to be fucking Shakespeare, it just needs to make sense and be entertaining. Second of all, you guys are all dirty scum and ANYTYHING I write is worthy of your lowly eyes! From now on, you jerks will read what I give you to read and like it!

So in an attempt to make my blogging more than a semi-annual event, and give you all something closer to a weekly dosage of the brilliance that is Joey (admit it, you've all been clamoring for it), I've come up with an idea called "Five Things". The concept behind Five Things is basically a combination of five random thoughts, ideas or short stories; stuff that just pops into my head or quick anecdotes I feel the need to share. This will enable me to post a lot more often without getting as in depth as some of my previous posts (and feeling the need to edit the shit out of what I write like some kind of psychopath perfectionist). I'll still do some of that too (because lets face it, I'm a psychopath perfectionist), but for now the blog is going in a shorter/more often direction for awhile.

"I before E except after C!"

Lets see where it takes us...


1. I would like to congratulate TruTV in general and the Rehab show in particular. You geniuses have figured out a way to break me of my narcissistic, self-centered attitudes by putting out a "reality" show that is so obviously scripted, so poorly acted and so just out-and-out bad, that the prospect of seeing myself for a few seconds on your dumb show is no longer enough to get me to watch it. It used to be, it really did. TruTV's motto is "Not Reality... Actuality". Let's explore that for a second.This sentence makes no sense, and I suspect that the marketing douche that came up with it doesn't actually know what any of those words mean. The first half, "Not reality". Ok that part of the sentence I have no problem with because nothing on the network is reality, its all scripted. The second half kinda fucks with me though. The definition of "actuality" is "the quality of state of being actual". Actual means real. So their dumb slogan translates into "Not reality, real". Do they mean real as in this fake show takes place on the same plane of existence as the rest of us? I don't get it, and it makes me angry.

2. Grabbing a girl by the throat, getting real close to her face and screaming "I wanna cum in your neck hair" is NOT an effective method for picking up chicks. Trust me on this one.

3. Back in April everyone loved when I put some Facebook Fakes  On Blast! . So of course right after that I immediately stopped getting friend requests from potential fakes and the ones I knew about weren't responding to my attempts to goad them into comedy. Either the universe is continuing its ongoing campaign to spite me in any way possible, or the fakes are actually people I know and they read the blog. Either way, I have this little gem for you. I don't know if she's fake or not, but I had some fun:

Between You and Michelle Clarke

Michelle Clarke September 21 at 6:44am Report

Hi sexy.. Wanna fuck me? x LOL

Sent via Facebook Mobile .

Joey Armao September 21 at 6:51am Report

Nah. .

Michelle Clarke September 21 at 6:56am Report

Why? =0)

Sent via Facebook Mobile
Joey Armao September 21 at 7:22am Report
Because beastiality is against my religion.
No, no, wait, I'm kidding. I don't have a religion. It's actually because I'm afraid I'd fuck you too hard and your cancer wig would fall off.
No, no, wait, I'm kidding again. It's really because your profile says your from Germany, I've heard what your porn is like and I've already taken a shit today.
She hasn't responded yet. Hopefully she will tomorrow and we'll have a sequel. 
4.  I don't understand the hate The Situation gets. Then again, I have an interest in guineas with abs getting rich and famous for no good reason, so I might be biased.

5. There's a Facebook group going around called "If you loved/knew Eminem before "not afraid" or "love the way you lie". Umm... is Eminem really getting bandwagon fans from the singles off the new album? If I may address whoever started this for a moment, Eminem was kinda popular before the Recovery album. He wasn't exactly an underground sensation that only you and three friends knew about you fucking cockstick. I would have thought the multiple Grammys and the fucking OSCAR he won might have been a clue. But that's just me. Whatever. I "liked" the group anyway though. Nobody hates a bandwagon jumper more than me.


  1. Simply amazing.

    #1 - I have never watched TruTV.
    #2 - The picture that I painted of this one made me laugh so hard. Thank you.
    #3 - I can't image why she did not respond to you.
    #4 - Does this guy have any special talent besides abs and smashing chicks?
    #5 - I prefer Eminem's older stuff. I don't care for the songs that are played on the radio. Maybe I'm just getting too old. Then again I listen to Ricky Rosay and Drake.

    I look forward to more 'Five Things'!

  2. @ #2- Do you happen to have a video of this?

    @#3 - Always my favorite. I appreciate the time you take to add the thumbnail photos of you two chatting together. Genius!

    @#4 - Fuck that guy. Not literally of course. That would just be too weird for you.

    @#5 - I haven't heard the album in full yet but I couldn't help but feel that these last two singles were indeed "poppish." I guess Nonetheless, I always enjoy a good Eminem rant.

    And I always love reading your blogs. Please don't make me wait until next year to laugh that hard. Jerk.