1. The other day I woke up to the song "Everybody Sleeps" from Sesame Street. Not on my alarm clock (that would be a pretty weird thing for an alarm clock to play), but in my head. You'd think having an audiographic memory would be a beneficial thing, and I guess it is sometimes, but the downside is having songs from a kid's show that I haven't heard in a good twenty-five years randomly popping into my head. And still knowing all the words.
This
2. I got the notice for my 15 year high school reunion in the mail, which I assume is someone's idea of a joke because there's no way I graduated from high school 15 years ago. It was like 8 or 9, tops.
3. Speaking of feeling really fucking old, for the kids who just entered high school this year, the country of Czechoslovakia has never existed during their life time. I don't know why but that just blows my fucking mind.
4. I put the inflatable pool away yesterday. Sorry girls, that means Baby Oil Wrestling season is officially over. I will be taking video resumes for next year's contenders starting tomorrow. Get yours in early, these slots don't stay open for long.
Seriously, sign up now
5. I need everyone's opinion on something... Some of you might know from my constant complaining about it on facebook, that my block is overrun with children under the age of ten, none of whom seem to have been taught the very simple lesson of looking both ways before they cross the street, or the even simpler lesson of getting the fuck out of the way of a moving vehicle when its coming directly toward them. Now I'm not 100% sure if my block is just populated with people who possess no survival instincts whatsoever, or if they're all just frighteningly stupid, or whatever other explanation there could be. It doesn't really matter. These kids not only don't move, but the other day one stood in front of me and spread his hands like "come and get me". So naturally I accelerated and made him jump outta the way (No, I'm not joking and no, that doesn't make me a monster. The brakes on the beemer are ridiculous, he was in no real danger). When I got out of the car I told him that the only reason I didn't hit him is because I didn't want to have to clean blood off my brand new car. Then I called him an asshole. Yes, I called a 10 year old an asshole. Maybe I am a monster. Whatever, what I really want is a solution to this nonsense, because I'd like to avoid having a lifetime of waking nightmares because I killed some moron's moron kid. Unfortunately, so far all I seem to be able to come up with is threatening to beat the living shit out of the parents until they learn to teach their children to stay the fuck outta my way. I think its a fair trade... your kid runs in front of my car, I get to knock out a few teeth. Anyway, if anyone has a more "socially acceptable" (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ) suggestion I'm all ears.
It might be fun, and helpful, to create a flier to distribute to your neighbors about the safety methods they should take when crossing the street. Complete with illustrations. Let's do it!
ReplyDeletedude, i'm a MOM and i call kids as young as 4 years old asshole to their faces. the first mom that says something to me is getting called an asshole-creating cunt.
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