Hey you guys, I was sitting on the couch just now counting the minutes til face-stuffing time (aka Thanksgiving Dinner) and a wave of inspiration hit me. So I figured I would jump on the blog real quick and post another edition of Five Things. I know most of you are waiting for part 3 of the Wheel of Time figures to be posted, and I promise that will be before the weekend is over, but I think I'd like to break up the rampant nerdery that's been going on around here for a minute with something a little different. For those of you who are new here, "Five Things" is something I came up with to make myself more prolific and make it possible for me to post more frequently; its basically just five random thoughts, ideas or quick stories that pop into my head. Its stuff I find funny, and stuff to make you think (hopefully about how funny I am). This stuff tends to be a window into my somewhat, um... damaged psyche I guess would be the best way to put it. Its also something of a public service, as much of what I post in an attempt to make you guys laugh has the simultaneous effect of absolutely murdering any future political aspirations I might have, so there's that. Anyway, on with the Five Things!
1. Girls, never forget, if he lets you put it in your mouth, that means he really, REALLY loves you.
True Love: Clown-Woman style
2. I'm not getting the whole uproar about the new scanners/pat downs in the airports. Is this a shame thing? Are people really that uptight about some TSA jerk seeing their weewees or boobies? I mean, I get that maybe its because I was born without a hint of modesty that I don't see the problem. I'll walk naked through the scanner if they want, or even the whole airport, I don't give a fuck. And as far as pat-downs go, shit go to town. Grab my nuts if it'll make everyone safer, thats a win-win!
3. I'm watching Home Alone right now, and I don't blame Kevin one bit for wishing his family would disappear. Whatta collection of shitty assholes. Even his mom, this jizzbag banishes the poor kid to the fucking attic for spilling milk? Like she didn't know from just looking at Buzz that he's a real dickhead and likely started the whole milk and pizza fiasco in the first place? I'm now convinced that she was so frantic about getting home only because she was scared the kid would die and her neglectful parenting would be exposed.
My mom's a cunt!
4. In the spirit of the day here's something I'm NOT thankful for: whoever the BUM was that broke into my car last night in Bay Ridge (by broke in I mean opened the unlocked door, fuck my life) and stole all the change outta my console and my briefcase. I wish I coulda seen the look on your grimy human-scum face when you opened it up and realized there was absolutely nothing of value in it. Enjoy the doodle-filled legal pads you fucking vagrant. Maybe you can crumple up the pages and stuff your layers of fetid shit-clothing with them to keep warm this winter while I'm in my nice cozy bed. The thought, the very idea, that some walking piece of festering maggot-infested slime-excrement was inside my nice, clean, fancy BMW -that it even touched my pristine door handles- is enough to make me want to trade the car in right now. The $1.46 in change that you got isn't gonna change the fact that you smell like a skunk's asshole.
5. And speaking of my car, a note to bicyclists; just because Bloomburg had a bunch of stupid lines painted in the street doesn't mean I acknowledge that you have ANY right to share the road with me. Want to test this? Feel free to get in my way. We'll see how well that fruity looking helmet really protects.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!