Five Things 11/03/10

Just a few quick notes before I get into todays Five Things. For those that care I'm about 200 pages away from being done with Towers of Midnight (despite taking off yesterday AND being up til 5am this morning reading). My spoilerific review will be up in a few days. Also I'm helping out at the Brandond Sanderson NY Barnes and Noble signing next week, and I'll have a report of that up afterwards as well. The blogs gonna get REAL geeky in the coming weeks. Anyway on to the five things.

1. I have a piece of friendly advice for all of you. Be really careful around anyone who refers to their kitchen as the "meat and fuck room"

2. Here's a list of some things I've shouted at pedestrians from a moving vehicle: 

1. "Hey buddy, more carrots, less cake!" (At a chubby guy standing on a corner)
2. "C'mon man, you can do a lot better than HER!" (At a couple waiting to cross a street, with the intention of ruining the guy's night)
3. "Cummy George is gonna you fuck in the mouth!" (I have no explanation for this one... but this Cummy George sounds like a fun guy).

"Jimmy Chickens has his own cock!" - Yep. That was another one. And I have no explanation for this one either.

3. In that "I Would Do Anything For Love" song, when Meat Loaf says "I won't do that", he's talking about going ass to mouth.

"I WON'T DO THAT..."

4. Small Claims Night Court has got to be one of the rings of hell for an attorney. It's full of people with petty, sometimes meritless claims who think they're going to "get their day in court", but they're too busy during the day to take the time out for (what they think is) justice. These people are scum. First of all, its set up so that lawyers are not only unneccesary, they hamper the process. Things like the rules of evidence and the law go out the window. Small claims litigants are encouraged to even waive their right to see a judge and plead their case to an arbitrator instead. Unfortunately when you have a big client who gets sued in small claims, they ask your firm to help them out. Even more unfortunate, for me, since mine isn't one of the names on the firm's door, the boss tends to send his schmuck associate to deal with it. Now look, I'm not an arrogant guy (although I play one on the internet) but having to sit among these small claims scum people has made me, for the first time, believe I am better than other people (Mike and Liz laughed at me when I told them that, but its true... in the sense that I never thought that for NO reason whatsoever other than the fact that they existed. Usually it takes some kind of action or words first before I think that that). Now that I'm thinking about it, pro se litigants in general just suck. Stop fucking around and hire a lawyer! Me!

Otherwise Justice will fuck you up. There's a whole semester of law school where we learn to block that sword.

5. Speaking of lawyers, here's something I overheard in court the other day: "Look, you can tell yourself you were just fucking that guy in the mouth with that crowbar all you want, but at the end of the day, it's still really just assault."