5 Things: March 28, 2011

Hey kids, its about time for another 5 things... the feature on my blog where I throw five of the insane, ridiculous, ponderous and utterly absurd things that pop into my head out there for public consumption with the goal of (hopefully) making you all laugh and/or think twice about crossing me for fear of the twisted revenge that's sure to spawn from my lunatic mind. Wow that was a long sentence. Anyway, on with the 5 Things:

1. Have you ever taken a dump, and then after you wipe you go to smell the toilet paper to see exactly what's goin on with your doodies, but you misjudge the distance, get too close, and accidentally get shit on the tip of your nose?

...because I haven't. Eww, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Hahaha I'm gonna lose sleep tonight wondering who among you was sitting there going "yeah I hate that!"

2. Does anyone else find it completely disgusting that Taco Bell is now serving a Shrimp Burrito? Look, I don't want to insult anyone, but if you eat shrimp from Taco Bell, you're a fucking moron and I can't imagine a scenario where you won't be shitting blood before your meal is finished. Eating the MEAT from Taco Bell is bad enough. And yeah, I'm guilty of it. I acknowledge it tastes awesome, especially when you're drunk, but their "beef" contains less than 35% beef. How the fuck can something contain less than 35% of ITSELF? Anyway, my point is there's just some foods that shouldn't be eaten outside of a "prepared at home" or "fancy resturant" setting, and shrimp is one of them. Eating that shrimp burrito is almost as disgusting as eating tuna fish from Dunkin Donuts. Almost.

I'm gonna be sick. Seriously, I don't have a joke here, I'm going to throw up.

3. So I was shopping in Waldbaums the other day, and I noticed that Paul Sorvino has his own line of pasta products. Now maybe its just me, but the image of Paulie from Goodfellas staring at me on the package doesn't exactly do much to drum up the ol' appetite, know what I mean? First of all, and I mean no disrespect, but I don't think Mr. Sorvino knows how to not look threatening. The expression on his face on the package is only slightly less frightening than the expression he had when Sonny suggested to Paulie that he whack out Tommy. Look, I never took a class in advertising, but I'm pretty sure your product isn't supposed to inspire the fear that the celebrity endorsing it is gonna walk into your kitchen and strangle you to death with a dish towel.

Try the manicotti. It's to die for. Literally.

4. Speaking of really dumb advertising, has anyone seen these new Miracle Whip commercials? The ones where they're making out like there are two warring factions in this country; those who love Miracle Whip and those who hate it? First of all, lets be honest, nobody likes Miracle Whip. It looks like a jar of Rhino jizz and probably tastes slighlty worse. I wouldn't know because the only mayonaise that ever graces my bread is Helmanns, because I'm a gentleman. Also, what kind of fuckwitted ad campaign tells the potential customer base that half of the people out there actually despise your product?  Isn't the entire point of advertising to try and convince the consumer that EVERYONE loves your product so they'll buy it too? Assholes.

5. Know who I hate? The guy who, when your in a room full of people, and there's either a TV or radio on, will take it upon himself to change the music/channel (or shut the thing off altogether) without consulting anyone else. You all know one of these assholes. As if their taste in music is the end all, be all. I just don't understand the level of self-centeredness that would lead someone to believe that they're the one to make that decision for a whole group of people, completely unconsulted, unasked, unelected, un anything else that would indicate that you should be the one in charge of the entertainment. Oh, that's right, YOU know better than us. What ever would we have done if you hadn't been there to show us the error of our ways for leaving that song on? Let me explain something to you in very plain terms. If this describes you, if you do this, you're a dick. And everyone in that room thinks your a dick. Nobody cares what YOU want to listen to or if YOU don't like the song or show that's on, because the world doesn't revolve around YOU. Hate to break it to you, but you're not a fucking DJ and you never will be! You, like Jerry Seinfeld at Joe Mayo's party did not get jiggy with it, and need someone to keep you away from the friggin radio. Or, how about next time, you just ask first? That way so many less people in your life will think you're a complete tool. Well actually, probably not. But at least we'll be enjoying the music.