5 Things; November 7, 2011

Hey kids, its about time for another 5 things... my semi-regular column where I throw five of the insane, ridiculous, ponderous and utterly absurd things that pop into my head out there for public consumption with the goal of (hopefully) making you all laugh... and/or think twice about crossing me for fear of the twisted revenge that's sure to spawn from my lunatic mind. No seriously, I will hurt you in creative and unexpected ways. But enough about that, on with the funny!

1) I find myself forced to ask, would being up shit creek WITH a paddle really be that much better?

2) Corporate America is a really weird place. For example, if you were to skip through the hallways of your office singing "I want to eat your pussy!", you would absolutely get fired... even though you weren't saying it to anyone spcific. Like I said, weird.

Intercomming the whole office while furiously beating off will have similar results

3) Ever since I was a kid, the story of the Tortoise and the Hare has really bothered me. The lesson you're supposed to take away from that dumb story is "slow and steady wins the race" right? I mean, this is supposed to teach kids that if they take their time and be patient, victory will be achieved. But in that story, the only reason the slow, steady tortoise wins the race is because the hare has ADD and is an easily distracted fuck up. If the hare had just run the race and not stopped to chat with every random forest creature he passed, he'd have beaten the tortoise by like 3 days. The tortoise won through no exceptional effort of  his own. He just plods along like a piece of shit while the hare took his sweet fuckin time. The lesson should be keep your eyes on the prize and don't fuck around or some slow, steady asshole will get an undeserved victory over you. Slow and steady only wins the race if your opponent decides to take a fuckin nap. This has irritated me, literally, since I was like 4 years old. Aesop can suck my dick.

GET UP! GET UP AND RUN, WHAT THE  FUCK ARE YOU DOING??

4) Fake, fraudulent, falacious, false, fictitious, duplicitous, disingenuous, delusive, dishonest, deceptive, double-crossing, The best words to call someone a liar all begin with F and D. Just an observation.

5) Janet Napolitano... that's a guy, right?

Right?