Well kids, its Friday and that means its time for another Five Things. Yes that's right, I'm going to attempt to do this weekly. One man's "ambitious" is another's "delusional."
1. So I've decided that when I'm walking down a city sidewalk from now on, I'm not moving out of the way for anyone anymore. Now, that by itself might sound dickish so let me explain, because maybe some of you have noticed this phenomenon, or even better can offer an explanation to me. For some unfathomable reason, it seems like every time I'm walking down the street and someone is coming straight toward me, my instinct, being the naturally polite and awesome person that I am, is to veer to the side to go past them and allow them to continue on their way unimpeded. So how come whenever I do this, the person walking towards me starts to veer in the exact same direction? And then, when I increase my walking speed to get around them, THEY DO TOO! What the fuck? I mean, I know in addition to being polite and awesome I'm also monumentally attractive, but I didn't think that extended into the literal! So there we are, getting ever closer to one another, like two asymptotic lines, only instead of mathematical impossibility being the only thing keeping us from colliding, it's me doing an awkward, last minute, dickhead dance to get out of the way. Like an asshole. So from now on, I only walk in straight lines and I'll leave the getting out of my way to everyone else. Which now that I think about it is only fitting anyway. Stand aside! Stand aside for your betters!
2. Mistaking the office kitchen for the mens room SOUNDS like an innocent enough mistake, but believe me, it SO is not!
No Bob, I did not spill lemonade on the floor. And no, I don't know whose chocolate bar that is melting on the counter!
3. I saw a Wendy's commercial that had a little disclaimer that said that "Wendy's fresh beef available only in the contiguous U.S. and Canada". Hear that? Fuck you Hawaii! Only stale, week old beef for you! Mahalo!
4. I realized I've got a big problem with the phrase "rolling in his grave". Like, "if your father knew you were blowing all those sanitation workers, he'd be rolling in his grave". I get the idea, your dead relative would find what you're doing so appalling that he wouldn't be able to rest in peace, but why would he roll? That’s just stupid. If your behavior is so colossally offensive to your dead loved one that it shocks them into a state of undeath, wouldn't they claw their way out and devour you? Or at least haunt you until you stopped doing whatever it was that you were doing? Laying there spinning just seems useless to me.
Hey, you cut that shit out!
5. Drinking the cum of an evil man will not give you super powers. Trust me.