Monday, January 26, 2009

Perpetual Dissatisfaction: Volume 2; Number 2: Driving, and a Few Random Thoughts

OK, here we go, (finally) a brand new blog for 2009. I've had a few things kicking around in my head but until today nothing really enraged me enough to pierce the fog of laziness that's usually responsible for my lapses in writing. But, I encountered a new phenomenon today and it made me so angry I wanted to shit nails. So rather than ruin my wonderfully pristine little colon by evacuating some piercing sharp hardware, I figured I'd just share my story with you all instead. On top of that, I guess I'll also mention those few random things I had kicking around that weren't inspiring enough to get a full article out of. Anyway, on with the blog!

So today, something new happened to me while driving on two completely separate occasions, and as I said, it made so angry I just had to write about it. While on my way to work on the Belt Parkway this morning, and on my way home later tonight on the Grand Central, I came upon a pair of these human bags of whale excrement who see nothing wrong with going thirty-eight miles an hour with a stretch of highway like the runway at Andrews Air Force base in front of them. First of all, you dickcheeses, and this goes for anyone reading this as well, if everyone on the highway is passing you, whether you're doing twenty or sixty, whether you're in the right lane or the left, you're going TOO FUCKING SLOW. Now for me its not usually a problem because I just zip around these assholes like the Millenium Falcon making the Kessel run and don't give them more than a fleeting thought. But this morning, while doing my usual dip and dirty look while passing move, as the baby beemer was leaving this mini-van driving chunk of coagulating vaginal discharge in the dust, I glanced in my rear-view and saw that HE was flashing his brights at ME! Sure he was probably a quarter mile back, but still, this inconsiderate cocksucker, who apparently drives with no concern that other motorists actually have somewhere to be and don't want to go at his lobotomy-patient pace, was acting as if I did something wrong. This fuck was lucky I absolutely need my morning coffee or he'd have been in need of a trip to the car wash today, that much I can promise you.

It was the same on the way home; except this time I was behind some other jerk off as we were coming to the light right before the entrance to the parkway, and he was going just slow enough that he would have beat the red and I wouldn't. So I did what anyone who wants be home immediately after leaving work would do; I sped up, changed lanes, went around him, and dipped back in front of him after the light. We both got on the parkway, this time with me in front of him, and again as I sped away from him like a fat chick who was offered some celery, there he was flashing away with his brights. Ooh, you showed me, didn't you you fucking platypus' cunt? I don't know, I just find it enraging that these fucks are out there, all over the place, getting in the way of people who actually know how to drive correctly, forcing us to go at their pace. At the very least, stop being a goddam obstacle and get the fuck out of the way when you see someone coming up quick behind you. I don't care if I'm going ninety in the left lane (as I'm known to do occasionally) if I see some dude rocketing up behind me, I'm out of his way in a heartbeat. I'm sick to death of you goody two-shoes nerds who think it's up to you to decide how fast everyone else should go. I have no problem if you want to drive like you've suffered some kind of debilitating head trauma, but at least do your best to get out of the way of the people who actually want to get where they're going.

And while I'm on the subject of complaining about driving, let me just state for the record that if you're driving in the west bound right lane on the Grand Central right before the exit for the Cross Island, and you're not actually getting on the Cross Island, the government should execute your family, you traffic-causing barrel of dick snot. Now that I'm actually giving it all this thought, there's so much more I could complain about when it comes to driving. Simple shit, like people who can't be bothered to use their turn signals, drives me absolutely insane. Except when people use them in a turn-only lane, or on a road that follows a curve. Thanks for the warning fuckwit; for a minute there I was scared you were gonna plow your car into that upcoming Dairy Queen.

Now look, I acknowledge that I drive somewhat aggressively, and yeah, sometimes its just me being massively impatient. But the vast majority of the time its because it's the only way to get ANYWHERE in this fucking ridiculous city. Some days I even wish I was still commuting on the A train so I wouldn't have these problems anymore. Then I remember the caliber of miscreant your forced to associate with when you use mass transit... and I don't think anyone expects a man of my ilk to lower himself to that.

And now its time for random thoughts.

First lets start with Nancy Pelosi. Now for those of you who know me, its probably hard to believe that I couldn't write blogs worth of complaints about Ms. Pelosi and liberals in general for that matter (ok let's face it, those are coming). I mean, its no secret that I think you're all a bunch of unrealistic, guilt-ridden, language-obsessed pansies who prefer to silence opposing viewpoints rather than intelligently argue points (because you usually get your teeth kicked in during real debates); but I digress. So yes, while I do think Ms. Pelosi is a dangerous ultra-left fanatic, what I really want to point out today is that the woman is terrifying to look at. I mean, just frightening. Seriously, you ever really look at her? The bitch looks like Skeletor, and I occasionally fantasize about smashing her orbital bones to powder with a sand wedge. But that's just me.

Conservatives, by the way, can eat a shopping bag full of dicks too. Enough with your religion and your false morality. EVERYONE is tired of it. I respect your right to believe whatever fairy tale you want to, respect mine to think you're silly for it... and as far as abortion goes, ladies, I don't care if you want to take a variable speed pneumatic jackhammer to whatevers growing in your womb, have a ball. It's none of my business and never will be (just please don't ask me to pay for it).

Getting back to driving for a second, why is it that whenever I'm driving in Jersey either on the Turnpike or the Garden State, drivers in the left lane will courteously move out of the way and let you pass when you're comin up behind them, yet these same people drive like they have Downs Syndrome when they're here in New York?

Anyone else suspect that Dunkin Donuts is a front for milling illegals into this country? I only ask this because if you go into a Dunkin Donuts on a semi-regular basis, you know that aside from the three or four usual employees whose skill at their jobs ranges from barely competent to piss poor to actually detrimental to the serving of coffee and baked goods, there's usually two or three new recruits milling around behind the counter somewhat aimlessly. Even if you don't frequent the same Dunkin Donuts all the time, you can tell who they are because they speak not a word of english and do nothing but stare blankly at you when you try to order from them until one of the others comes to the rescue. This all may seem innocent, especially since most of these specimens barely seem capable of tying their shoes, much less anything nefarious. But mark my words, a legion of men of questionable ethnicity is slowly invading this country. The Army of the Twelve Munchkins is coming!

Thats all for now. I'll be back with more soon.

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