Monday, January 5, 2009

Greatest Hits Part 1

Hey, a bunch of you have told me you're going to subscribe to the new blog, so rather than make you wait, I figured I'd hit you off with some of my "greatest hits" from the blog's previous incarnation. Re-reading these made me laugh out loud, I hope they'll do the same for you. And if they don't, well hey, go fuck yourself!

--This first one got more comments than any other blog I've ever written. "Dunkin Donuts Chimps" - Originally posted on October 25, 2007.

Something happened today that I found to be funny but also a little scary, and I thought I'd share it because it's a pretty good window into the my dementia that captivates my thoughts and keeps me from truly being a functional member of this thing we call society. I was in Dunkin Donuts early this morning, waiting in the usual long line for my morning caffeine fix. The woman in front of me was placing her order, and I couldn't help but notice how disgustingly condescending this fucking twat was being to the cashier she was speaking to. She was speaking very slowly and deliberately, as if to a child or a retard, and it so enraged me that I wanted to physically assault her. Seriously, I began to daydream about repeatedly smashing this stuck up cunts' face into the counter and then pouring her steaming hot cup of coffee on the back of her neck. I wanted to kick her and beat her to floor. I swear, I tasted blood. How dare she speak to another human being that way? It disgusted me on a level I can't really begin to describe.

The punch line here is that I will absolutely be the first to tell you that the fucking chimps behind the counter at Dunkin Donuts are probably among the worst people in an allegedly service-based industry that I've ever encountered. I've probably wished death on these human pieces of masonite on many, many occasions. Why is it so hard to understand "large ice coffee, skim milk, four Splenda"? That's not hard. That sentence should never be countered with "you want hot coffee?" or "half and half?" or anything other than "here's your coffee". It's fucking infuriating. They're stupid, they're slow and if you don't pay very strict, careful attention to them as they move around behind the counter with absolutely no sense of urgency whatsoever, they WILL get your order wrong.

Yet, it absolutely outraged me that this stuck up bag of shit was speaking to them in the manner that she did. So, if you follow my logic, wishing death or horrible pain on the Dunkin Donuts people is ok, actually hoping with every fiber of my being that after they finish serving me, they go into the bathroom, slip in a puddle of piss and chip their front teeth on a urinal is fine, but speaking to them in a disrespectful tone? Not so much. I make no sense.

--This next one is about something that continues to irk me to this day, originally published on March 30, 2007:

Well kids, I've got to say, I can't think of much to complain about right now. I chalk it up to the awesome weather we've had this week. It's hard to be dissatisfied when there's a cool breeze blowing in through your office window. Wait a minute. Office. Window. Breeze. I'm trapped in this office and not out in that cool breeze? Oh yeah, there we go, dissatisfaction level rising.

Anyway, after I bashed liberals, Al Sharpton, the Black Community and white guilt last week, this week I'm going to keep things much lighter and much less controversial. As I wrote in my first column, I consider myself a humanist. I look for ways we, as a species, can improve, and as a flip side to that, I try to target the reasons we just aren't. One of those reasons is that people, in general, are really pretty self-centered. I'm sure there's an evolutionary reason we are this way. I mean, looking out for one's own best interests is something of a survival instinct, and I'm sure that some element of man's "me first" behavior is left over from a time when not looking out for #1 could mean ending up getting your face chewed off by a lion. The problem is that man is also by nature a social animal, and when you've got a group of people congregating together who are all serving their own best interests at the expense of everyone else, it makes progress - and enjoying the situation - real difficult.

I'm not going to speak in generalities though; I'm targeting one piece of anti-social, annoying and downright rude behavior here today. Something that irritates me so much it remains one of the only things that will get me to say something to the person doing it. I'm laidback enough that I let most shit go. I've rarely gotten into a fight in my life and I tend to let the irritating things people do roll off me, but not this. What could I possibly be talking about, you ask? Well I'll tell you. Picture it, you're in a tight crowd, be it at a bar or club, or at a sporting event, or pretty much anywhere where space is limited and there's a lot of people. Now, obviously, navigating your way through this type of situation is tough, and even tougher is when you've found your spot, and people around you are trying to navigate their way around you. So there you are, waiting in place to get up to a bar that's three people deep, or whatever, and someone's trying to get past you. You do the polite thing and make enough space for them to pass through, and bang… the DOUCHE BAG proceeds to remain in the exact space you just vacated for them. You're kidding me right? I just stepped aside to allow you through, and you take that opportunity to grab MY spot, to quote Charlie Murphy "like I'm that nigga to steal on"? Absolutely not. This is one of the most frustrating, irksome things a person could do, and I refuse to put up with it.

So, to anyone who's done this, who still does it, or will do it in the future, I say, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you that fucking oblivious and self-centered that you thought I was giving you my spot? That I saw your eminence coming and quickly stepped aside so your grace could have my place in line? Fuck no. This might sound trivial, but I'm dead serious, if you ever hear of me burying my fist into someone else's face, assume this is why.
Maybe it's just me, but I was raised to be considerate of other people. I don't like being in people's way, I don't like making people wait for me or inconveniencing them more than I have to, and I guess I'm just stupid because I expect the same courtesy in return. So naturally I get really heated when it's so blatantly disregarded. Am I really asking much here? All I want is people to be aware that there ARE other people around them and to treat those people with a very basic level of respect. It doesn't sound like so much to ask, does it? Think about it!

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