Monday, October 25, 2010

Five Things 10/25/10

Hey its time for another installment of Joey's Fve Things! And awaaaayyy we goooo...

1. So I've come up with a fun and productive solution to the problem with the neighborhood children that I talked about last time. First of all, yes I realize that I have now officially become the cranky, grouchy, crotchety old man screaming at the kids on my block to stay off my lawn and keeping their ball when it comes on my property... only I don't have a lawn and the things I don't want on my property are the children themselves. See, upstairs from me are 5 little girls under the age of 10, and apparantly because of them, every asshole kid on the block comes over to play in front of my house. And I'm almost (ALMOST) fine with that. Not really, but lets pretend I'm not a complete prick. The problem is now that even when the upstairsholes aren't home, these fucking vermin think they have free reign to sit on my stoop, and the thing that annoys me the most is that their fuckface parents apparently don't have shit to say about it. As if I'm running a fucking goddam daycare center on my front stoop. If I was playing on some random persons porch when I was a kid, my mom would probably have kicked the shit outta me. What makes it even worse (to my elitist way of thinking) is that the kids upstairs are my TENANTS. Their mom pays ME for the privilege of living above me, using my garbage pails and breathing MY air. Actually no wait, she doesn't. The bitch is Section 8, so I (and the rest of you NYC residents) pay for her and her six brood rats to live above me. So I don't think I'm wrong for feeling like I shouldn't have to wade through the rest of the neighborhood's garbage-children just to get in my front door. Now, I figured I gotta attack this problem at the source and get the parents to tell their kids to stay the fuck away from my house. To that end, my new plan is to get myself convicted of a sex crime. A minor one, like one of those statutory thingies (no pun intended). That way I'll have to put my name on the registry and their parents might be a little more reluctant to let their kids play by the crazy pervert's house! See? Fun AND practical. Now, I just gotta come up with a good cover story for why I'm wandering the hallways of St. Francis Prep...

You whippersnappers get outta my garden! Or, on second thought come over here... MWAHAHAHAH!

2. This ones a little dated, because it happened awhile back, but I would like to the MTA for making a shitty subway commute just that much worse by removing the clear plastic "glass" from the partitions that are between the seats and the door (on the subway cars with the orange seats, where there's a group of three seats on either side of the door). Used to be that the seat next to the partition was the best seat you could get, because potentially only one piece of human shit could suit down next to you and fuck up your ride, and you had a nice little wall to lean against on the other side. Now that the "glass" is gone though, not only can some inconsiderate, overweight bag of crap sit next to you and encroach on your already limited seat space, but some equally inconsiderate jizzbucket can stand on the other side of the partition and put his ass on your head! I shouldn't ever have to be in a situation where I'm forced to say "get your ass off my shoulder" to a strange man of questionable ethnicity. Thanks MTA!

3. I heard a report that laptop users out there are getting something called "toasted skin syndrome" from keeping their laptops on their laps for too long. If this has ever happened to you, you're a fucking idiot. Also, while I'm on the subject, if you've ever called it a "labtop", you too are a fucking idiot.

Pictured: A Fucking Idiot

4. Something you should never scream during a job interview is "I'LL SHIT IN YOUR NOODLE BASKET!" Your prospective employer doesn't need to know that.

Hey look at that, Google Images actually had one. I thought I made this up!

5. Not many people know this, but the legal definition of Turdglary in the First Degree is the use of another person's fecal matter with malicious intent and/or with the intent to harm another. Turdglary in the Second Degree is the negligent or reckless use of another person's fecal matter and/or the use of another person's fecal matter for profit.


  1. You are a sick man my friend... but you may be on to something. That sex crime thng may seem harsh, but in todays overtly liberal society it will probably be mildly frowned upon at best... Love this column kid. Keep em coming!!!

  2. Hahaha. Nice! Perfect fun.

    PS. The word verification to lave this comment is "glotore".

  3. Classic post.

    Um, just in case you were interested, if you Google Turdglary, your blog is the first hit. Awesome.