Hi kids! I figured I’d try to cram one more “5 Things” in before we close out 2012, so you could end your year laughing at some of the nonsense that pops into my head on a daily basis. Obviously, I figured wrong, so you get to start your New Year that way instead. I’ve been keeping notes on my phone so I’ve got a bunch saved up. Hopefully that means I’ll be a little more prolific in 2013! Anyway, here's the first "5 Things" of 2013!
1. Do you think a girl would get offended if she found out that after sex, a guy immediately ran to the bathroom to wash his mouth and dick with peroxide? I bet she would.
It can be your friend fellas... I'm just sayin.
2. Know what really pisses me off? If you just answered “everything”, congratulations you’ve been paying attention. Give yourself a prize. Anyway, know what really pisses me off recently? Groups of people who think its ok to stroll down a city sidewalk three or four abreast. Like they’re the cast of fucking Seinfeld or something. I’ve found that there are two speeds when it comes to city sidewalk travel – me, and everybody else. Now look, I know I’m nuts. I want to be off the streets as quickly as humanly possible, and I weave in and out of people like the Millennium Falcon in an asteroid field because apparently I’m the only one who actually wants to get where he’s going. When there’s some group of inconsiderate assholes forming a goddamned defensive line across the sidewalk, it makes it really hard to navigate your way around the city. And not just for me, for normal people too. Anyone who walks down the sidewalk like that should be impaled from the side and made into a human foosball team as punishment.
3. If Bruce Wayne’s dad was so fucking great, why wasn’t he smart enough not to walk his family down a street called Crime Alley?
Well, at least he had sense enough to avoid Rape Blvd. and Child Molestation Plaza
4. So one of the effects of that twat Sandy ruining all of our Novembers was that I had a rental car for about 3 weeks. I was very surprised to learn that regular radio still exists. Because it’s fucking terrible. Just terrible. Objectively. If you think I’m wrong, you’re wrong. And stupid. Now, I stopped listening to regular radio in 2004 when I got XM. I remember thinking that it had gotten really bad back then. Well, in the 9 years or so since, its gotten way, way worse! Can someone tell me when every station other than 101.1 and Q104.3 became KTU? Even Hot97 and 105.1 were playing all the same songs. And they all kinda suck! How many fucking times can you hear that annoying Diamond song by Rhianna in an hour before smashing the heel of your foot through the radio becomes an acceptable response? Even songs I started out liking were killed for me within a few days. And that’s not to say that 101 and Q104 are ok. These fucking dickmouths have about fifty years of music they can program from and they’ve manage to whittle that down to a playlist of about 13 songs. No one wants to hear Kodachrome twice in an hour period!
"Now you're just a song that I used to like..."
5. The other day I was in the bank, and they have this sign on the door that reads “Please remove your hat and sunglasses. Help prevent crime.” Of course, I immediately wondered how the fuck me removing my hat and sunglasses would help prevent anything, let alone crime. First of all, some dude that’s gonna rob the bank isn’t going to obey the bank's dumb sign anyway, so what’s really the point? So what they really mean is “help prevent our staff from looking at you suspiciously, and possibly getting nervous”. They should just say that. “If you wear a hat and sunglasses, we’re going to assume you’re here to rob the place”. Then again, if they said that, it’s kinda like tipping off potential robbers about what not to wear. So the bank really shouldn’t have any sign at all. Yes, I actually waste energy thinking about this stuff.
That's it for today! Happy New Year!